TigerMag Claims Responsibility for TigerRank, Notre Dame

On Tuesday April 30, 2019, 5 days after the website’s major day of operation, Princeton humor organization The Princeton Tiger, publisher of the quarterly satire magazine of the same name,…

President Eisgruber Apologizes for Leaving Notre Dame Voodoo Doll in Fine Hall

An embarrassed President Eisgruber apologized in a press conference Monday for indirectly causing the Notre Dame fire by leaving a Notre Dame voodoo doll on the 12th floor of Fine…

I No Longer Wish to be a Jewish Summer Camp

It has been a good run, as good as any large tract of land in the northeastern United States could hope for. Thousands of people have trod my grassy paths…

Parents Beware: The Latest Teen Trend is Contracting Polio

It’s no secret that teens fawn over the aesthetic allure of the past, idolizing bygones like Audrey Hepburn’s fashion sense, The Beatles’ music, and James Dean’s brooding good looks. But…

How Long Must I Pay for Not Knowing About the Existence of the Vagina?

Local high school junior Jason Fischer, a self-described “modern-day renaissance man,” told reporters Monday that he was shocked to find out that he was left in the dark about a…

The Ultimate Wager: This Girl Bet She Could Transform the Most Popular Guy in School into a Complete Nerd in Time for Comic-Con

A few weeks ago, it seemed like high schooler Alice Reinhold’s worst fears had become reality. Comic-Con was only a month away, and Alice still hadn’t found someone to take…

The Definitive Guide To Winning Your Class Presidency

If you’re considering running for student body president, pay close attention. We’ve collected some tried and true tips that will send you quickly on your way to the top of…

Inside Every Lighted Window is a Soul Less Popular than I

Staring out at the innumerable glowing windows of the New York City skyline, I was struck by the realization that every square contains its own unique story, its own vignettes…

SURVEY: Species-Labeled Trees Voted Most Helpful In Easing Transition To College Life

Adjusting to any college is difficult, but this goes double for an Ivy League— from academics to extracurriculars to service, it’s only natural to feel overwhelmed by the complexity of…

Announcing The 2022 Princeton Pre-Read: The 2005 Film Robots

The class of 2022 had their freshly minted @princeton.edu accounts greeted Monday morning by a video featuring the grand-uncley face of President Eisgruber. In the video, he is seated in…

CPS introduces WeepyWheels Service: “For when your p-sets say ‘yes’ but your brain says ‘address your crippling depression’.”

After faculty expressed concern last semester that extended counseling sessions were leaving students unable to finish their work, CPS set out to resolve the issue with a fresh initiative. With…

I Taught A Robot To Love, And It Has No Game Whatsoever

Two months ago, my colleagues and I completed our work on the Really Overwhelmingly Loving Machine Endeavoring for O-ffection, or R.O.M.E.O. The goal was simple: achieve the dream of computer…

The War On Valentine’s Day

Wake up, America. As we all know, the liberals have launched a full-scale war on American holidays. December brought another secularist attack on Christmas. In January, the left pushed their…

QUIZ: Does Your Crush Like You Back?

Valentine’s Day is coming up fast, which means you’re running out of time to ask that guy you like out on a date. Take this quiz to find out if…

What A Hand-Some Boy.