It’s no secret that teens fawn over the aesthetic allure of the past, idolizing bygones like Audrey Hepburn’s fashion sense, The Beatles’ music, and James Dean’s brooding good looks. But what about an easily preventable paralytic virus transmitted through contaminated water? Turns out more and more teens are longing for the allure of a time when such a virus was a real threat and are campaigning to bring it back.
The sensation is going viral as teens turn to twitter with hashtags such as #westanpolio and #throwbacktonovax. Also increasingly common are teens posting pictures of 32nd US president FDR with captions such as “Not a cellphone in sight—just polio <3.” High schoolers in San Diego even developed an app called Infectr which matches individuals diagnosed with polio with those looking to become infected, so they can meet in person and exchange pathogens.
“Today’s generation is just so boring,” says pro-polio Christine Berry, 17. “Call me an old soul I guess but whatever happened to the days when you’d contract polio and spend your time bed-ridden until you eventually died? That’s really living.”
This trend is surfacing as the anti-vaccination movement continues to gain more and more traction with parents all over the country advocating for vaccine-free children. Many teens such as Anthony Diaz are delighted to discover that their parents are anti-vaccination. “It works out because it’ll make it a lot easier for me to get polio and put an end to this soul-crushing existence,” commented Diaz.
Certainly parents are immensely concerned, but teens refuse to back down, assuring their parents that this is not merely a phase. “Of course my mom is pissed that I got polio,” says recently diagnosed Renee Washington. “But I’m 18 now and I can get polio if I want to. She just doesn’t get me.”
As it becomes increasingly apparent that teens are determined to contract polio and kill themselves off, parents should be on the lookout for the following warning signs:
- Your son or daughter is attempting to travel to Nigeria, Pakistan, or Afghanistan, the only countries where polio has not been eradicated.
- Your son or daughter is spending more time than usual in the sewers.
- Your son or daughter is meeting up with polio-infected strangers on the internet.
- Your son or daughter’s cell screensaver is FDR.
— AC ’21