Analyzing Global Dynamics and Unraveling Key Policy Initiatives
We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star. But we can understand the Universe. That makes us something very special.
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The Martian Is My Life
Dear 20th Century Fox, While most people were entertained or at least somewhat amused while watching your recent release, “The Martian,” I was shocked. How could you call this movie…
Vacation Suggestions for Time Travelers On a Budget
History is filled with many beautiful and desirable destinations. Yet unfortunately, not everyone has the resources for a trip to Ancient Greece or elaborate futuristic resorts. We can’t all…
Characters We’d Like to See in the New Star Wars Movie
The Force Awakens would be so awesome if these characters made an appearance! R2-D2 But With Muscles (Jedi) R2-D2 is one of the most recognizable robots in movie history. His…
Things We’d Like to See in a Perfect Parallel Universe
No necks No one has a chin but me. What if, instead of having a regular mouth, like, we had the mouths from the movie Alien, where the alien had…
To My Third Period History Class: I Am So, So Sorry
I would like to issue a formal apology to the members of Ms. Svenson’s third period history class. This was not supposed to happen. I would like to assure you…
Did You Know: The Curiosity Rover Will Drink Itself to Death After 50 Years of Isolation!
If you’re a space geek like us, you probably knew that every August, the Mars Curiosity Rover celebrates its birthday by singing to itself. After all, it gets lonely up…
Genius Roommate Knows Exactly What Characters in The Thing Should Have Done
In an unexpected turn of events, local roommate Keith Anderson declared that he had solved the dilemma of the characters in John Carpenter’s 1982 sci-fi horror film, The Thing. In…
Internal Monologue of Buzz Aldrin as Neil Armstrong Becomes the First Man to Walk on the Moon
There he goes. Neil Armstrong, the first man to walk on the moon in my last pair of clean underwear. Why does he get to be the first one anyway?…
Princeton Fraternity Sends Pledges to Mars
Yesterday afternoon, Princeton fraternity Sigma Omega Kappa announced that they have officially become the first collegiate fraternity, or organization of any kind, to successfully land “a fricken dude on Mars.” Tiger managed to land an…
Newly Discovered Planet Can Support Life, But Not Hip Hop. And What Kind of a Life is That?
NASA announced Thursday the discovery of a new planet that, under the right circumstances, could viably support human life. However, as NASA’s report went on to reveal, this planet would be unable to support hip hop.…
Disappointing Wormhole Leads Directly to Sizzler in Muncie, Indiana
Earlier this week, NASA probe 141-R made international news by successfully pinpointing the location of the first ever documented wormhole. The probe’s previously mundane mission to the moon, a routine visit mainly for purposes of…
Spires and Gargoyles — The Best Damn Place of All
A message from the chairman: Welcome to Princeton! Welcome to the Orange Bubble! Welcome to “the best damn place of all” or so I was told last Reunions by a sixty-year old alumnus,…
Differences Between UK and American English: A Primer
1. What we in the states call a “stout” or a “lager” will frequently be referred to by people in the UK as “breakfast,” and what we would call “beer”, they call…
Rejected Senior Thesis Topics
• Ancient Aliens: The Origins of Eisgruber • Masturbation and Netflix: An Autobiography • That Secret Nazi Base in Antarctica: Fact or Fiction? • Sad Max: Dystopia and Depression • 2.5 Liters of My…
A Letter from the Chairman and CEO of ExxonMobil
Here at ExxonMobil,  we’re proud of the fact that we have 37 refineries in 21 countries around the world, and as a result we take our global citizenship very seriously. That’s why today, I’m proud…
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