Analyzing Global Dynamics and Unraveling Key Policy Initiatives
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It is the Burger King
It is the Burger King Strange traveler, I warn you Ahead lies only sizzling destruction The crackling voice of Temptation seduces those who brave the drive-thru line Ruin and terror…
New Evidence Suggests The Native Americans Had Dibs
WASHINGTON—Leading historians from the Smithsonian Institute revealed Tuesday that new evidence has emerged suggesting that the Native Americans had previously called dibs on the land now comprising much of the…
What is Barack Obama Going to Do Now?
Try out bangs Demonstrate exercise equipment in late-night infomercials  Finally let out that fart he's been holding in for eight years Take an 18-minute nap Force Sarah McLachlan into…
Americans Can’t Seem to Agree On Anything Other Than The Clear Superiority Of My Basketball Skills
In This Polarized Political Climate, Americans Can’t Seem to Agree On Anything Other Than The Clear Superiority Of My Basketball Skills Sometimes I worry about the direction this country is…
Deadlocked: With No Ninth Justice, The Supreme Court Has Been Unable to Cast The Government’s Upcoming Production of “Guys and Dolls”
Well, this isn’t good. Remember when Republicans in Congress refused to confirm President Obama’s nomination of Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court, leaving the recently deceased Justice Antonin Scalia’s seat…
A Note About Selfies from Hillary Clinton
Hello, citizens of Trump’s America. It is I, Hillary Clinton, the person you wish you had elected president. These past few weeks have been tough for all of us. Some…
iDrive like an Asshole
Self-driving car manufacturers are reportedly attempting to assuage consumer fears that their products do not adequately replicate mankind’s capacity for reckless, idiotic, and deeply selfish decision-making on the road.…
Spires and Gargoyles – The America Issue
So, it’s been more than a month since the day the middle of America emerged from their underground tunnels to elect a xenophobic, spray-tanned member of the Lollipop Guild as…
A Mad Libs College Essay
It’s the month of December, which means millions of high school seniors across the United States are working on their last-minute college essays. We at The Princeton Tiger are here…
Electoral Dysfunction
-MF '19, Illustrated by KG '19
Gary Johnson Proves Possibility Of Presidential Win, Detaches Thumb
America was left reeling this week as presidential candidate and kooky neighborhood bird-scarer Gary Johnson took to the stage in Albuquerque, New Mexico and silenced his numerous critics in a…
7 Local Restaurants that Will Probably Still Serve You If You Insist on Bringing my Uncle Leslie
My Uncle Leslie’s years of disruptive behavior have made him an unwelcome presence at most local establishments. If, for some reason, you’re convinced you’d like to dine with him, here…
The REAL Freshman Dictionary: 20 Terms Every Princeton Freshman Should Know
Alcohol Initiative /al-kuh-hawl ih-nish-ee-uh-tiv/ n. Take the initiative to consume more alcohol. Shots, bitch! Bicker /bik-er/ n. The time for all those debate team kids to shine. Eating clubs that…
A Letter to the Class of 2020
College is an exciting time. For the next four years, you’ll be learning new things, exploring new places, and meeting new people. But most importantly, college is the time to…
Spires and Gargoyles – “In the Nation’s Service”
Something magical happens when you sashay through Fitz-Randolph gate and enter the suburban paradise that is Princeton’s campus. Eisgruber sits in his office waving and fanning all the money from…
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