Analyzing Global Dynamics and Unraveling Key Policy Initiatives
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What a Time To Be a Tiger! by Jeff Bezos
First Years! Congratulations, and get ready for Princeton! With improved infrastructure and a student body more diverse than ever, it’s certainly a great time to be a Tiger. When I…
Rejected Freshman Seminars
FRS 191 Nazi Gold: Every Single History Channel Documentary Played Over the Course of the Semester FRS 144 Talking About Infinite Jest Without Having Read Infinite Jest FRS 155 Memes…
Eager Freshmen Become Best Friends with Facebook Spambot
The security of the 'Princeton Class of 2021' Facebook group was called into question this week, as multiple freshmen claimed they could see themselves “getting along really well” with a…
Amazon’s Alexa™
The couple arrive home. She puts down her bag, he throws the car keys onto the counter. The Amazon Alexa™ beeps a greeting. Her: “For once, could you put the…
“Loser” Dinky Conductor Accepts TI Pass as Train Ticket
PRINCETON, NJ According to various reports by envious students, a New Jersey Transit train conductor on the Princeton Branch was seen accepting a Tiger Inn social pass in place of…
To Maintain a Diverse Student Body, The Office of Admission Will Remove the Checkbox Penalizing Applicants Who Have Never Seen The White Stripes in Concert
Members of the Princeton community, In recent years, a particular question on Princeton’s online application form has stirred up considerable controversy. I’m sure most of you know which one.…
You Have No Idea How Hydrated I Am
The average adult male needs to consume 2.5 liters of water per day to stay properly hydrated. I consume far more. The amount of water I drink is surely beyond…
These 8 Incoming College Freshmen Were Accepted by All 8 Ivy Leagues, Collectively
Think your high school accomplishments were impressive? Think again. In the spring of 2017, eight high schools seniors opened their letters of acceptance to Harvard, Yale, Cornell, Columbia, the University…
Scandal: Princeton Eating Clubs In Trouble After Sophomore Pickups Descend into Chemical Warfare
This year’s round of eating club pickups took a turn for the early 1900s as existing members escalated their usual hijinks to things more sinister. As many of you may…
In Recognition Of Woodrow Wilson’s Complex Legacy, U. Throws Raucous, Twelve-Day Parade In His Honor
In an effort to grapple with Woodrow Wilson’s complicated legacy and controversial presence on campus, the University today kicked off a raucous, twelve-day parade celebrating his accomplishments. “I realize that…
Opinion: A Repudiation of Donald Trump’s Muslim Ban, Completely Unrelated to the Fact That I May Have Left My Computer Charger in Iran
I firmly oppose the President’s decision to bar Muslims from the US: the executive order violates human rights, divides the country into “us” and “them,” and blatantly ignores the Constitution…
Aliens Are Here and They’re Completely Unbangable
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a press release yesterday, NASA announced that the big day is finally here: intelligent, friendly extraterrestrial life forms are about to land on Earth. However, the exciting news…
I’m All For Princeton Students Getting Outside The Orange Bubble As Long They Eventually Come Back To Campus To Die
By Jane Rosenthal, Head of PACE Center On a campus as small and self-contained as Princeton’s, it’s easy for students to feel cut off from the…
Christopher Mintz-Plasse: Please Stop Using My Picture in Your Sexual Assault Awareness VideosÂ
Hello, Princeton. I am Christopher Mintz-Plasse. You may recognize me from such films as “Kick-Ass,” “Superbad,” and “12 Years a Slave.” I love…
Holy Shit, Two New Trees
Holy mother of God, there are two brand new trees on campus. Right in front of Nassau Hall, smack-dab in the middle of…
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Wordle
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