Timeline of Forgetting Her Name
1 minute Wait, she just said it a minute ago. It started with an… S? No, that’s Shakira.…
A Letter To My 18-Year-Old Self
Dear 18-Year-Old Self, You bubble with independence and are surrounded by a campus of like-minded individuals in a…
Assorted Poetry
11/14: A Haiku November fourteenth If today is your birthday Your mom got flowers Traffic Lights Suck Violets…
Direct Intercourse With Dick Inman
Dear Dick, My boyfriend is great. We’ve been seeing each other for 2 years now. He’s sweet, thoughtful,…
Shakespeare Love Quotes, Translated
Quote: "Love sought is good, but given unsought is better." Translation: Spontaneous “I love you” texts really go a…
Valentine’s Day Gift Guide
What Your Girlfriend Wants 50 Shades of Black: the more hardcore sequel to 50 Shades of Gray. “Have…
Love Is…
Love is a Battlefield episode, specifically "Scandinavia: The Forgotten Front," that you watched in precept with her. Love…
Real Pickup Lines
Want to cleave her loins, but worry she's on the lookout for canned phrases that might give away…
Winter Break Hibernation
Most Princeton students already meet the main physiological prerequisite for hibernation: massive intake of food, which is then…
An Open Letter to the Squirrel On Elm Drive (You Know Who You Are)
Dear Squirrel, you probably don’t remember me, considering that you were too busy being a dick. I tried…
Straight Men Won’t Marry Their Girlfriends: Girlfriends Respond
Dirty-looking white guy standing over a grill? We’re talking to you. Your mix of flannel and apron is…
Everyone On Facebook Zuckerberg Except You
Only weeks after Facebook announced it had reached 1 billion users, a federal investigations commission has published a…
Gary Johnson Carries New Jersey As Democrats, Republicans Stay Home
Election watchers of all political stripes were stunned Tuesday night as long-shot Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson decisively carried…