Valentine’s Day Gift Guide

What Your Girlfriend Wants

1. 50 Shades of Black: the more hardcore sequel to 50 Shades of Gray.
2. “Have you running more recently? You look thin.”
3. For you to admit that she’s right in an argument where you both know she’s wrong.
4. You to stop asking if it’s that “time of the month”. If she wanted you to know, she’d tell you.
5. Personal (Zumba/Pilates/other trendy exercise) instructor.
6. You to go to her (Zumba/Pilates/other trendy exercise) class.
7. For Teen Mom to get an Emmy, so she wouldn’t have to feel bad about enjoying it
8. A stable relationship.
9. A stable of unicorns.
10. A stable of unicorns all in stable relationships.

 What Your Boyfriend Wants

1. For you to stop watching romantic comedies that keep raising the bar too damn high.
2. The right to name his firstborn “Luke,” so he can proclaim at birth “Luke, I am your father.”
3. Speaking of that, a lightsaber.
4. A catapult. Or a trebuchet,. We’re not picky.
5. A Jaguar. The car, not the animal.
6. A jaguar. The animal, not the car.
7. Batmobile.
8. A superpower. Preferably flight or super strength.
9. Blowjob.
10. Blowjob. Then sex.

– JCA ’16