PRINCETON – A local student reports that if he could change one aspect of his college experience, it would be the lack of time spent studying alone in his room in the dark. The senior elaborated that although he does schoolwork “like, all the time,” he also sincerely regrets missing out on many of the other incredible opportunities on campus for crushing isolation, such as studying alone in Firestone, studying alone in Frist and studying alone in the dining hall.
“Yeah, when I think about that night I spent partying frosh week, that dinner I accidentally ate with my friends and the time I introduced myself to my roommate, part of me is filled with a deep sense of regret for all the time I just flushed straight down the drain,” the student explained. “The other part of me is filled with a deep sense of regret that I’m wasting thoughts on remorse that I could have used to get more work done.”
When asked to comment on his statement, the senior’s friends declined, citing the fact that they “have, like, SO much stuff to do” and that they are “seriously the worst procrastinators ever.”
They also mentioned that they were all “screwed for this exam on Friday,” likely due to the fact that they “spent WAY too much time sleeping and for real, like, haven’t studied at all.”
At press time, the 20-year-old student was spanking himself for taking a shower and then softly weeping at his desk.
– MWG ’16
