Analyzing Global Dynamics and Unraveling Key Policy Initiatives
We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star. But we can understand the Universe. That makes us something very special.
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An Open Letter to the Squirrel On Elm Drive (You Know Who You Are)
Dear Squirrel, you probably don’t remember me, considering that you were too busy being a dick. I tried to get by you on the street, but no. You were too…
Once Upon A Monday
Mondays are band-aids that take 24 hours to rip off; weekly plagues sent from above to ensure people never have fun for more than six days in a row, unless…
Straight Men Won’t Marry Their Girlfriends: Girlfriends Respond
Dirty-looking white guy standing over a grill? We’re talking to you. Your mix of flannel and apron is neither aesthetically pleasing nor oozing sex appeal. And let’s face it, you’re…
What the Video Game You’re Playing This Fall Says About You
Resident Evil 6 You are impulsive and headstrong. You don’t listen to other people’s advice, even if there are thousands of them and they’re all shouting “DO NOT BUY THIS…
Nate Silver Predicts Butler Will Be Swing College In USG Election
Political analyst Nate Silver, known for his highly accurate predictions in the recent presidential election, has weighed in on this week’s USG election, declaring that the candidate who wins Butler…
Fire Safety to Administer Literal Fire Drills Tuesday
In a follow-up to their Thursday email regarding the upcoming fire drills, Housing Operations announced today that they were putting aside the traditional fire-drill procedure, where fire drill personnel direct…
Bonfire Accidently Built on Cannon Instead of Cannon Green
University maintenance, having missed the word “Green” in a university memo, accidentally built Saturday’s bonfire on Cannon Dial Elm Club instead of Cannon Green. The pile was built so quickly…
Everyone On Facebook Zuckerberg Except You
Only weeks after Facebook announced it had reached 1 billion users, a federal investigations commission has published a report revealing that the social networking site has only two certifiable account…
Daily Princetonian Errata
- SBW '15. Artwork by AZ '16.
Scientists Eradicate Cancer: World Better Off
Big news shook the heavens yesterday as the Universal Regulation and Astronomical Science Society (URASS) decided to remove Cancer from the zodiac. URASS announced the act in response to the…
Gary Johnson Carries New Jersey As Democrats, Republicans Stay Home
Election watchers of all political stripes were stunned Tuesday night as long-shot Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson decisively carried New Jersey, winning 100 percent of the 73 votes cast throughout the…
Mitt Romney Calls Emergency Meeting of Mitt Romneys
- AJ '15. Art by CSO '15.
Intrepid Student Voyages Into Wild Unknown Beyond Charter
Last Saturday night, Brandon Wilson ’16 took a giant leap into Princeton University lore as he walked east on Prospect Avenue and, rather than take the customary turn at an…
University Raises Sushi Prices Yet Again, Resulting in Mass Student Outrage and Chaos
Not long after lowering sushi prices after student discontent, Princeton University was forced to raise sushi prices yet again.
How To Identify a Means of Egress
In the event that you are unable to identify a means of egress in your residential quarters, consult this guide in order to ascertain its location.
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