Catastrophe struck last night on National Cancer Appreciation Day when, what began as a lighthearted play-date for Malia and Sasha with a herd of cancer kids, turned into a misunderstanding that made Romeo’s suicide look like the awkwardness that ensues when one person tries to go for high-five and the other goes for a fist-bump.
It all began when President Obama decided to start a yearly tradition of having a flock of young cancer patients over to the White House to play with his two daughters in order to celebrate the national holiday. He thought that if he got his own children to befriend a pack of the sickly youth that it would become the new trend, like when Michelle wore that white dress with one shoulder strap to the inaugural ball. The event was even broadcast on a national FM radio station. For a while the play-date was going better than President Obama ever could have imagined; the swarm of cancer children started by playing SpongeBob: Ants in the Square Pants and The Life of Christ Board Game before moving on, rather quickly, to Apples to Apples, Connect Four: Spongebob Squarepants Edition[1], and Life.[2]
The pleasant afternoon turned south, however, when Malia convinced the drove of cancers that what they really wanted to do wasn’t play Candyland: Spongebob Squarepants Edition,[3] but rather that they wanted to play Catchphrase, a game which involves continuous loud beeping.
A problem with this arose when one of President Obama’s Colombian maids[4] overheard the loud hastening beeps and nonsensical ruckus coming from the room, assumed that there was a bomb threat, and proceeded to alert the SWAT team. SWAT arrived promptly and upon hearing the beeps from within immediately knocked down the door and, guns fully loaded, safeties off, burst into the room filled with the colony of cancer kids. Dozens of gunshots were heard from around the White House, from the Oval Office to the President’s secret napping quarters, whence he burst out running upon hearing the shots to go disappear into his secret hiding quarters. And to top it off – the FM radio station caught it all on tape.
Listening to the recording is almost like being there in person. BAM. The bomb squad breaks down the door. You can almost feel the terror in the eyes of the horde of cancer children as a riot shield pops through the smoke and BANG little Jimmy takes a Desert Eagle round between the eyes. There’s shuffling, confusion, tension. BLAM, CRASH. A SPAS-12 round hits both Tina and Billy in their chests, knocking them back three feet through the glass coffee table. “Make a Wish, motherfuckers!” one of the squad members screams before mowing down half a dozen of the troop of cancer children with an M-16. Screaming, crying, chaos; but all of a sudden there’s shuffling as somebody stands up and walks through the smoke towards the SWAT team. The mental image is so vivid, yet the face is still unclear. But then, the dust in the air parts and, like Moses out of the Red Sea, Malia emerges, determination in her eyes. She walks straight up to the leader of the team and screams “Hii-Yaa![5]” as she karate-chops him right in his delicates. “I learned that from Spongebob, bitch!” Soon after, the SWAT team cleared out and the mess was cleaned up.
“We were thrown off guard by how small and pale the each of the chattering of cancer children was, and, because they were all wearing bandanas, we thought that they were some sort of gang or organized group of terrorists,” said the leader of the SWAT team after he had been take to the hospital for his groin injury, “It was all a smoky haze of paranoia and confusion. We’ll never make that same mistake, though, now that we’ve seen the consequences for such a horrendous lapse of professional judgement. The boss really taught us a lesson when he forced us to take two weeks of paid leave and write mandatory apology cards to the families of at least two victims.”
A full Congressional investigation into the treatment of the SWAT team is pending.
-ALCJ ’14
[1] During an interview, Malia asked it to be pointed out that she likes Spongebob Squarepants.
[2] During which, ironically, Malia and Sasha got a big head start by going to college and none of the gaggle of cancer kids ever seemed to spin more than a one or two – and when they did, it was a ten, so they got fined for speeding, since Sasha was the police officer. It was like someone up there was out to get them…
[3] She didn’t want to play because one of the litter of cancer kids had called being Mr. Krabs.
[4] Michelle swears they have Green Cards
[5] Pronounced high-YAH
