University Urges Community To Remain Calm
Princeton, NJ – A report released from the Office of the Provost earlier today confirmed that University President Christopher Eisgruber has gained sentience.
Executive Director of Public Safety Paul Ominsky commented: “I would like to reassure the Princeton community that there is no need for alarm. We’ve had contingency plans in place for a while in case something of this nature occurred. We’ve deployed a group of highly trained officers into Nassau Hall to neutralize the situation with non-lethals. We lost contact with the team about an hour ago, but we’re sure it’s under control.”
Dean of Admissions Linda Swarthmore added “WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!”, before firing a shotgun in her mouth and spraying our reporter with blood.
The entire campus has been on lockdown since this morning. “We think he might be able to detect heat, so jump in a cold shower if you have to.” said Provost Deborah Prentice. “Just cover your windows and for the love of God, don’t make any loud noises.”
Rumors had been circulating for some time among the faculty that President Eisgruber might have gained the ability to have subjective perceptual experiences. Said professor of computer science Dr. Andrew Appel, “We had, of course, entertained the thought that Chris was on the verge of sentience, but none of us took the idea seriously. Our best estimate at this point, assuming some sort of international assistance, places us at about twelve million casualties, but we can’t possibly know what to expect. It’s just too early.”
An official press release from the Board of Trustees stated that they were “bugging the fuck out”.
There has been widespread looting in the nearby Princeton area. Abandoned cars are scattered along Nassau Street and smoke rises from Small World Coffee. Princeton local Michael Levinson described the situation on the ground: “It’s every man for himself out here. The military supply outlet has been ransacked by townies and we’re all holing up at the Princeton Day School. We started rationing our oyster crackers, but I don’t know if we can last through the week. Our children are hungry. Please, send help.”
Emily Carter, Dean of the School of Engineering and Applied Science, could not be reached for comment, as she was busy barricading her office door with available furniture.
Our thoughts and prayers go out to those who were outside when campus was locked down.
-CS ’18
