Razor Scooter
Razor scooters are dope as heck. Will Krantz’s mom let him get one last Christmas and he can already do wheelies on his. It’s so tight. If you want to get one, it’s actually pretty easy. Basically, just cash in your Good Boy Points with mom when you go to Wal-Mart and she’ll get it for you.
Elements Skateboard
If you want to get girls, you better know how to skate. I legit saw Travis’s brother do an olly once and it was sick as crap. Getting a sweet deck is a little harder than a Razor though. You’re going to have to hold your breath when mom takes you past the skate shop and scream about as loud as you can that if she doesn’t buy it for you you’ll keep holding your breath until you die.
Heelies
Holy crap. Can you even imagine? They’re like roller blades except not for losers. Hallways? More like Highways. Not to mention ramping crap: we’re talking stairs. Binders. Framed pictures of Mrs. Stevenson’s dead husband that she keeps on her desk. And if your teacher yells at you and tries to grab you and you punch her in the face by accident, it’s not even that hard to get out of the principal’s office. When mom comes to school to talk to the principal, tell her that if she doesn’t get you out of it, then the next time she takes you to Macy’s you’ll scream “SOMEONE HELP! I NEED AN ADULT! SHE’S NOT MY REAL MOM!” when you pass mall security. The same trick works for getting the Heelies in the first place.
Your Mom’s Car
What’s the most pimp thing you can think of? Exactly. It’s driving a car. If you wanna cruise like a complete baller, it’s pretty much standard procedure. You snag mom’s keys from where she hid them under the petunias after last time. Then you open the garage, put the keys in, and slam on the gas. Next thing you know, you’re driving that 2007 Honda Odyssey like it’s The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. And if you get pulled over by a cop, just tell him your name is Will Krantz and you live at 732 Willow Drive and that you should’ve just let Charlie borrow your stupid Razor scooter last Christmas.
– MWG ’16. Illustrated by CDM ’18.
