Hello, Freshman. It’s me, Senior. Yes, I can see you. I can see everything you are doing and everything you are thinking and everything you are eating and everywhere you are and everywhere you have been. I am judging you more than you think I am, and more often. I can see all your flaws, and they amuse me. I can see your pathetic but more-than-justified insecurities. I can see the seven pounds you’ve gained since you moved in. I can even see all the lame stuff you did in high school, the lame friends you had, and the lame jokes you tried to make in class; they sucked. I can see the changes you’ve made in your music taste to appeal to your friends. I know your heart’s not in it when you listen to Trey Songz, and that you don’t even like beer pong that much. I can see everyone you haven’t slept with but claim you have. I can see the things you’ve successfully hidden from your siblings, your parents, and God.
I can see the real you.
Fortunately, no one else can, and I’m here to tell you that you can keep it that way for the next four years if you give it your all. Here’s how:
Social
When in a big crowd with your friend group, pretend to wave to people really far away, so that your friend group thinks you have other friend groups.
As people walk by, say the names of eating clubs to whoever is sitting next to you.
Whenever you’re at a party, do not let phone calls go to voicemail. Always answer them and let the caller know that you can’t hear them, you’re at a party. Tell them you’ll call them back as soon as you’re done partying. Call them back two or three days later.
Whenever you’re not at a party, answer all phone calls and try to convince the caller that you can’t hear them because you’re at a party. Or, just let the call go to voicemail, and later explain that you missed the call because you were at a party.
Ask people to tell you what you did last night, and then go, “I did!?”
Make your AOL Instant Messenger away message “Out…Cell”.
Get a Facebook and stop using AOL Instant Messenger.
Make sure your posted photos contain proof of you experimenting with alcohol. Establish optical range of the camera before the picture is taken so that you can ensure your beverage is in sight, but not clearly intentionally in sight.
(Girls) If you think you look good in a photo, comment that your friend looks good in said photo, and then wait.
Never ask, “Is anything going on tonight?” That way, people will assume you’re the one they should ask.
Always drink Red Bull, so that everyone wonders if it’s because you’re still hung over.
(Guys) Keep around twenty beers in your fridge, not to drink, just for people to see when they open your fridge.
(Guys) Have at least 1 naked girl poster up for every 200 square feet of room space so that people can’t just assume you’re gay.
(Guys) Anytime you see anyone you know in the store, buy condoms. Get in line immediately before the person, but pretend you haven’t seen them until they see you.
Academic
During precept discussions, take vague stances that will make people come off as offensive if they try to oppose them.
(Athletes) During lecture, avoid sitting with large groups of your brawny teammates. Try to make it look like you really got into this school, and that this is one of your easiest classes.
Raise your hand just as someone else is getting called on. Look angry that the someone else stole your insightful idea.
Figure out who the dumb kid in your class is, and whenever he talks look around and make faces to show that you know what he’s saying is wrong.
Always mention that you used to live in a foreign country, even if you didn’t. This will make you seem cultured and authoritative regardless of the topic.
When you tell people what your GPA is, always add 0.15. Let them know that it would be higher if it weren’t for “last semester.”
Physical
(Guys)Always carry a gallon of water, so people think you’re on creatine, but also always look pissed so that people are too afraid to ask if you’re on creatine.
(Guys)Always carry a bucket of creatine, so people think you’re on creatine.
(Girls) Wear those big sunglasses that cover your face so guys give you the benefit of the doubt.
(Guys) Wear big shoes, so people think you have a big dick.
(Guys) Stuff your crotch, so people think you have big feet.
(Girls) Get a boob job, so people think you have big breasts.
(Girls) Get a boob job, so people don’t know you have a penis.
