In light of recent revelations about the questionable quality of consumer goods manufactured in the People’s Republic of China, the Lao People’s Democratic Republic has announced that it is recalling the People’s Republic of China, effective immediately.
The offices of the Chairman of the Lao People’s Revolutionary Communist Party, the Chair of the People’s Stalinist/Leninist Committee, the Supreme Leader of the People’s Revolutionary Forces of Public Safety and Ideological Purity for the Glorification of the Great Nation of Laos, and the Premier of the People’s Government of the Lao People’s Democratic Republic, all titles coincidentally held by the same individual, informed the world via a joint press release that, due to China’s declining reputation, China is being recalled.
While the government of the Lao People’s Democratic Republic acknowledges that this may cause temporary disruptions in imports, trade, and anti-satellite weapons tests, it states that, “In the long run, this is certainly in the world’s interests, as well, more importantly, as that of the Lao People’s Democratic Republic. China’s abandonment of Stalinist/Leninst economic and political principles, most specifically in the form of Deng Xiapong’s reforms of 1978, have severely damaged China’s ability to compete economically on the international level, not to mention damaged the psyche of the Chinese people, who have been forced to live in a country interested in providing them with an high growth rates and stifling single-party rule at the expense of dogmatic ideology.” Laos announced that it will immediately put the People’s Republic of China on a ten-year economic plan that will “revitalize its economy, increase the quality of its consumer goods, and return to the time-tested tenets of Stalin and Lenin.” When the new and updated China is re-released in 10 years, its reputation forged from the hard work of economic overhaul, it will continue to export $2 computers and toys covered in lead paint, with the added advantage that half of its profits will benefit the Lao People’s Democratic Republic.
The Lao People’s Revolutionary Communist Party justified this move, announcing that, “The version of Whack-A-Mole in our office is getting a bit old, and we’re going to need a new one soon.” It is widely believed in Western intelligence circles that one of the moles is broken entirely, and does not respond to being whacked, leading not only to a shift in the game’s tactics, but making the old high scores virtually unreachable.
The consequences of China’s plight have not been confined merely to the Lao People’s Democratic Republic. The Mongolian government, sources within the Mongolian Ministry of the Economy confirm, will announce next week that it demands that “Mongolian Beef” be taken off the menu of Chinese restaurants to prevent China’s soiled reputation from negatively affecting the so-called “Mongolian Renaissance,” which has resulted in standards of living and heights of culinary excellence never before seen in the land of Genghis Khan. The government is also expected to declare that Mongolia is neither part of China nor part of Russia, although it is anticipated that this will have little effect, since (a) who the fuck reads press releases from Mongolia and (b) everybody knows Mongolians are fucking liars.
When asked about the most recent developments, Taiwan sighed the contented sigh of a man who has just bought himself 10 years of survival before nuclear apocalypse. Then Taiwan lit a cigarette, reclined in its E-Z Boy, and started rolling a joint while the Mets’ game showed on television in the background.
