Pilot Johnathan Goodman, who sits dead center on the political alignment chart, is unable to decide whether to land his upcoming flight safely or maneuver the plane straight into the Pacific Ocean, likely resulting in the death of everyone on-board.
“There are good arguments on both sides,” said a concerned-looking Goodman. “I really see the merit of a safe landing, because then everyone gets to keep living, which I think is definitely a good thing. But there might be people on the plane that secretly long for death anyway, in which case crashing the plane would be doing them a service. All in all, I’d say I’m torn.”
According to Goodman, this is one of the many issues he faces in his daily life as a centrist. He cannot consume his favorite sandwich — peanut butter and jelly — without an exact 50/50 ratio of the two fillings, and struggles to keep his face in the permanent form of a half-grimace, showing that he is not too happy nor too sad at any given moment.
Goodman further lamented the daunting nature of such a decision, noting that “it’s impossible to know whether or not any given baby on the plane will grow up to be the Hitler of our generation.” However, he acknowledged the fact that another baby could potentially grow up to be the successor of Mahatma Gandhi, effectively nullifying the Hitler-baby. He also noted that some people think that a new Hitler would not be so bad, and that that is a perfectly valid political opinion that should be given its due in public discourse.
— LM ’22