Five Things I Loved About Lincoln

Honest, Abe.


An Open Letter to the Squirrel On Elm Drive (You Know Who You Are)

Dear Squirrel, you probably don’t remember me, considering that you were too busy being a dick. I tried to get by you on the street, but no. You were too busy turning an acorn around in your weird little skeletal paws. Not even eating it or intending to bury it. Just spinning it.


Once Upon A Monday

Mondays are band-aids that take 24 hours to rip off; weekly plagues sent from above to ensure people never have fun for more than six days in a row, unless you’re on vacation, in which case, karma will get you eventually. But if the human race collectively hates Mondays with such passion, why keep them around?


Straight Men Won’t Marry Their Girlfriends: Girlfriends Respond

Dirty-looking white guy standing over a grill? We’re talking to you. Your mix of flannel and apron is neither aesthetically pleasing nor oozing sex appeal. And let’s face it, you’re probably going to burn the shit out of those steaks and end up ordering Domino’s anyway.

Tigermag Literary Review: File M for Murder

I will start off by admitting that I have not read this book. I bought it on a whim during my cat phase. I got a lot of cat books that way. What…

What Is Best In Life?

 Bill Murray riding Bruce Willis down a sand dune on Mars bro carrying a handful of police badges drenched in Ovaltine in his right hand and in his left carrying the American flag…

You’re Doing Facebook Wrong

Sometimes, when I like a Facebook photo fifteen seconds after it’s been posted, I’ll get a comment like, “Of course it doesn’t take you more than 30 seconds to see that I changed…

Come to a CULT Meeting

Feeling depressed? Looking for new meaning in life? Easily manipulated? Want to give us all your possessions learn about asceticism and perform slave labor for us join an awesome commune? You should totally…

Law Enforcement Turf Wars

Dear Large Law Enforcement Agency, As an employee of Small Law Enforcement Agency I am very upset by the arrival of your Large Law Enforcement Agency to my area on account of your…

Another Movie-to-book Release? Really?

So I just saw the latest Harry Potter movie, and loved it. But as soon as I left the theater and entered the nearest Wal-Mart to buy myself a Schwinn Meridian Adult Tricycle,…

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