Opinion

Come to a CULT Meeting

Feeling depressed? Looking for new meaning in life? Easily manipulated? Want to give us all your possessions learn about asceticism and perform slave labor for us join an awesome commune? You should totally…

Law Enforcement Turf Wars

Dear Large Law Enforcement Agency, As an employee of Small Law Enforcement Agency I am very upset by the arrival of your Large Law Enforcement Agency to my area on account of your…

Another Movie-to-book Release? Really?

So I just saw the latest Harry Potter movie, and loved it. But as soon as I left the theater and entered the nearest Wal-Mart to buy myself a Schwinn Meridian Adult Tricycle,…

Frederick Douglass: Civil Rights Pioneer or Dangerous Pedophile?

When you learned about Frederick Douglass in your middle school history class, did you think there was something a little off about him? Well, you’re not alone. Consider the following: DNA evidence is…

Why Meatballs Kept Me From Achieving My Dreams: Sympathizing with Christine O’Donnell

While much has been made of the Delaware senate race that Christine O’Donnell just ran in, much has been made of her basic inability to skillfully hex anybody — despite her best efforts…

Five Scenarios Where I Might Admit to Enjoying Taylor Swift’s New Album, “Speak Now”

Whilst Out on the Town – I am out at the club when I am approached by a cute girl.  We hit it off immediately based on our mutual enjoyment of horticulture, tort…

Thirst for Knowledge, Hunger for BRAAIIINS – My Unlife as a Zombie at College

When the zombie apocalypse began, the first thought that came to my mind was “Ugh… this sucks.” My second thought: “Hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband ’cause they eating…

On Running A Country

There are many campus publications that give suggestions on how America or other countries should be run; they provide a much-needed voice for the Ivy League elitist constituency that is so often ignored…

Ways My Beard Makes Me Seem Thoughtful and Worldly

People don’t question me when I tell them that I’m married to the sea.

Why “Step Up 3D” Is A Threat To America

When I first saw the original Step Up, I felt strangely unnerved. Perhaps I was afraid that the movie would finally force me to abandon my life of crime to embrace the healing…

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