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Princeton Approves Orgy on Cannon Green
Less than a week after Harvard officially recognized Harvard College Munch, a student group devoted to kinky sex, the Ivy League’s kinky sex arms race escalated. Yesterday, Princeton University issued…
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Dale Grant Awardee: “I Will Journey to the Orient”
On Thursday afternoon, Marcello Romano was named this year’s recipient of the Dale Fellowship. Romano has stated his intention to…
Elon Musk: I Will Fly a Man Into the Sun
The Sun. Ra. Helios. For millennia, humans have looked up at their own yellow star, marveled at its brilliance,…
President Eisgruber Gains Sentience
University Urges Community To Remain Calm Princeton, NJ -Â A report released from the Office of the Provost earlier today confirmed…
My Journalistic Integrity Demands This Scathing Review of Dearest Malcolm’s Lackluster Performance in Rent: the Musical
On Friday night, Princeton’s premier student-run theater organization staged their interpretation of Rent: the Musical. The set design was inspired,…
Ruthless American Grilling Tyrant Overthrown in Bloodless Family Coup
With football tailgate season well underway, sources claim that local uncle Gary Bendenberg has been deposed from his self-proclaimed position…
ISIS Claims Responsibility For La La Land
On Friday afternoon, terrorist group ISIS claimed responsibility for the box office sensation and Oscar hopeful, La La Land. The Islamic…
Gary Johnson Proves Possibility Of Presidential Win, Detaches Thumb
America was left reeling this week as presidential candidate and kooky neighborhood bird-scarer Gary Johnson took to the stage in…
Third Party Candidates
For the first time, the majority of the current student body will be able to vote in the upcoming election cycle,…