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Princeton Approves Orgy on Cannon Green
Less than a week after Harvard officially recognized Harvard College Munch, a student group devoted to kinky sex, the Ivy League’s kinky sex arms race escalated. Yesterday, Princeton University issued…
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A Step Forward: Disney Introduces Its First Pro-Choice Princess
As you probably know, Disney hasn’t always been the best when it comes to representing minorities. Most of the classic…
A Win for Compromise: Instead of Performing Abortions, Scientists Have Begun Freezing the Babies and Storing Them for Later
In what is being hailed as a truly groundbreaking solution to one of the most divisive issues of our time,…
Eager Freshmen Become Best Friends with Facebook Spambot
The security of the 'Princeton Class of 2021' Facebook group was called into question this week, as multiple freshmen claimed…
These 8 Incoming College Freshmen Were Accepted by All 8 Ivy Leagues, Collectively
Think your high school accomplishments were impressive? Think again. In the spring of 2017, eight high schools seniors opened their…
Scandal: Princeton Eating Clubs In Trouble After Sophomore Pickups Descend into Chemical Warfare
This year’s round of eating club pickups took a turn for the early 1900s as existing members escalated their usual…
In Recognition Of Woodrow Wilson’s Complex Legacy, U. Throws Raucous, Twelve-Day Parade In His Honor
In an effort to grapple with Woodrow Wilson’s complicated legacy and controversial presence on campus, the University today kicked off…
Aliens Are Here and They’re Completely Unbangable
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a press release yesterday, NASA announced that the big day is finally here: intelligent, friendly extraterrestrial life forms…
