Analyzing Global Dynamics and Unraveling Key Policy Initiatives
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Untitled Potato Novel
for Veronica Geng. “I needed a drink, I needed a lot of life insurance, I needed a vacation, I needed a home in the country.” —Raymond Chandler, Farewell, My…
Op-Ed: Think before you use the corona crisis as an excuse to devalue my privilege
 It’s a well-known fact that, since Princeton made the decision to prioritize “need-blind admissions” and “student financial aid”, its value as a prestigious institution of future leaders has diminished. Before,…
Skyger In-Flight Safety Video
Coming soon...
Tragedy: Oldest Man in the World Has a Mommy Fetish
Charles Earnest Fitzpatrick, a resident of Lawrenceville, New Jersey, is on a quest for love. His dream woman is tall, self-confident, and caring, and, ideally, a few years older than him…
Country out of Orange Paper, University Scrambling
In an urgent press release last Friday, the White House announced that, due to the trade war with China, the nation would soon be completely out of orange dye. “This…
Eisgruber Found Developing Clone Army in Princeton Steam Tunnels
Fed up with the “weak students at this fraud of an institution,” President of Princeton University Chris Eisgruber declared he would be creating a clone army to replace the “sheeple”…
Princeton: A Day In the Life
What’s up Class of 2023? We know you’re all excited to enter the Orange Bubble and begin your new lives as Princeton students. Obviously, you’ve got a lot to learn,…
Lazy Freshman Doesn’t Even Have an Internship for After Graduation
In a show of laziness unparalleled in University history, first-year Doug Gander ’23 has yet to secure an internship for the summer after graduation. The shocking news was revealed…
With a New Class Matriculating, A Renewed Debate about Princeton’s Employment of House-Elves
As the class of 2023 piles into the res colleges and becomes acquainted with our community’s unique way of keeping our spaces clean, the age-old debate has resumed regarding Princeton’…
Pick-Up Lines for Culturally-Literate Lovers
Looking to score on the Street but not sure how to make the first move? Try one of the sizzlin’ lines below, guaranteed to get you a boo -- as…
Excited Princeton Freshman Attends Football Game, Is Sole Attendant
This past Sunday, freshman Pete Potterman made his way to Powers Field to join what he thought would be an orange sea of comrades in witnessing the Supreme and Glorious…
Disappointing: Eisgruber Will not Construct Large Statue of Woodrow Wilson’s Penis
After years of backlash from the Princeton student body concerning the Woodrow Wilson School and other structures named after the notoriously racist president, president Christopher Eisgruber has finally met with…
A Guide to Tackling Imposter Syndrome at Princeton (By a Student Who Did Not Get into Princeton)
So, you made it to Princeton! Chances are you’re looking forward an exciting life under the orange bubble, but what you might not anticipate is the inferiority complex you’ll instantaneously…
Five New Ways to Get Off This School Year
Maybe the monotony of your college routine has been leaving you unexcited. Maybe you’re sick of your friends saying they don’t want to come to your room because your dominatrix…
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