Genius Roommate Knows Exactly What Characters in The Thing Should Have Done
In an unexpected turn of events, local roommate Keith Anderson declared that he had solved the dilemma of…
Internal Monologue of Buzz Aldrin as Neil Armstrong Becomes the First Man to Walk on the Moon
There he goes. Neil Armstrong, the first man to walk on the moon in my last pair of…
Princeton Fraternity Sends Pledges to Mars
Yesterday afternoon, Princeton fraternity Sigma Omega Kappa announced that they have officially become the first collegiate fraternity, or organization of any kind,…
Newly Discovered Planet Can Support Life, But Not Hip Hop. And What Kind of a Life is That?
NASA announced Thursday the discovery of a new planet that, under the right circumstances, could viably support human life. However, as NASA’s…
Disappointing Wormhole Leads Directly to Sizzler in Muncie, Indiana
Earlier this week, NASA probe 141-R made international news by successfully pinpointing the location of the first ever documented wormhole. The…
Spires and Gargoyles — The Best Damn Place of All
A message from the chairman: Welcome to Princeton! Welcome to the Orange Bubble! Welcome to “the best damn place of…
Differences Between UK and American English: A Primer
1. What we in the states call a “stout” or a “lager” will frequently be referred to by people…
Rejected Senior Thesis Topics
• Ancient Aliens: The Origins of Eisgruber • Masturbation and Netflix: An Autobiography • That Secret Nazi Base in Antarctica: Fact…
A Letter from the Chairman and CEO of ExxonMobil
Here at ExxonMobil,  we’re proud of the fact that we have 37 refineries in 21 countries around the world, and as…
Songs the Beach Boys Would Have Sung If They Were A Christian Rock Group
• “Baptized by Breakers” • “Jesus is the Only Surfboard I Need” • “The 11th Commandment: Stay Salty”…
A Father from the 1950’s Trying to Explain Sex to His Son
Lights up on DAD. SON enters. DAD: Gosh, you really razzed my berries sneaking up on me like that.…
Grand Jury Hung on Shoplifter’s Indictment, Grandiose Jury to Intervene
After a Rhode Island Grand Jury was unable to decide whether to indict Peter Hamiss, 22, on charges of shoplifting, the…
Myth vs. Math
Some useful distinctions to help prepare yourself for a math class at Princeton! Myth: You will learn how…
Craigslist: Missed Connections
This is probably a long shot, since I’m not sure how much you remember from last night, but…
America’s Sexiest Currently Tenured Ivy League Presidents
Christina Paxson (Brown University) A young, spry, 55 year-old seductress, Christina Paxson was elected the 19th President of…