PRINCETON, NJ—Even though the federal government may be experiencing a budgetary shortfall, Princeton University’s endowment is still as large as ever, holding at $16.9 billion.
Though Princeton’s war chest is still large, it still falls considerably short of Yale’s $19 billion, as well as Harvard’s $30 billion. Admissions officers have expressed worries that the other schools’ endowments may be attracting potential students away from Princeton and its relatively small resources.
“I mean, 16 billion is ok, I guess, but it just can’t satisfy my needs like 30 billion can,” said Dave Russell, a senior in high school. “I want a real university.”
In order to attract applicants like Russell, the University has announced plans for a new fundraising campaign, designed to increase the size of their endowments.
“I always saw ads on the Internet that promised to make my applicant pool bigger and stronger, and I never believed them,” said Eisgruber. “But one day, I clicked, and, well—here we are.”
When asked about her thoughts on the new fundraising campaign, University President Emeritus Shirley Tilghman replied only “Men,” with a defeated sigh.
Other University officials are uncertain as to how successful the campaign will be.
“It all depends on how insecure we can make alumni feel. If they know that, every weekend, Harvard is sweet-talking high school students into coming back to its campus, and showing off its large facilities, then they’ll be more inclined to throw money at the problem until it goes away,” one anthropology professor said, offering an in-depth analysis of Princeton’s fundraising strategy.
Though the University has announced the imminent construction of a seven-foot-tall, solid gold statue of F. Scott Fitzgerald fellating Woodrow Wilson in celebration, for the rest of the university, it’s still business as usual.
“My policy has always been that it’s not the size, it’s how you use it,” said President Eisgruber.
When asked about the double entendre, he giggled like a schoolgirl and disappeared in a flurry of $100 bills.
– EE ’17. Illustrated by KX ’16.
