We know, you lead a busy life. Your time is valuable. It’s hard to be you. But lately, your lack of a soul, or even basic empathy for the suffering of other human beings, has been getting in the way of your success, both professionally and personally. You might think it would be too time-consuming to have feelings, but it’s easier than you think. You, yes you, can pretend to care about genocide too, with these 6 simple tips:
1) Join the Facebook group The first logical step is to show the world you care about genocide. The easiest way to do this is to post this to your facebook page, and by proxy, your stalkers.
2) Cut up onions while watching Hotel Rwanda. Invite your friends over for a socially conscious movie and awareness night. To earn your empathy points, subtly dash to the kitchen during dramatic moments to top off the tear ducts. In case of the unexpected death of a major character, keep a false tooth loaded with habañero sauce for emergency bawling. REMEMBER: Make sure this is actually Hotel Rwanda. If you accidentally make yourself cry in the middle of Get Rich or Die Tryin’ when Fiddy cuts some bitches, your friends might look at you strangely.
3) Make a blanket statement condemning genocide. Just make sure it’s not a smallpox blanket.
4) Throw a party—I mean, “benefit”—to raise money for genocide. Protip: learn to phrase your promotional posters clearly. If you raise money “for genocide,” people might think you’re a dick.
5) Name the cockroaches in your apartment Stalins 1-27 right before you kill them all. Extra points if you make them work in roach labor camps first.
6) Make up statistics about genocide. Quote them to the cute cashier at Trader Joe’s. An example to get you started: 99% of Māori tribesmen have had death panels euthanize their parents—I mean, give them the information they need to decide whether to drain the country’s funds and their family’s hard earned resources while they wither away in a vegetative state like a drought-starved Andorra Compacta Juniper shrub.
Remember:
1) “Janjaweed” and “Pol Pot” are not obscure strains of marijuana.
2) It’s “pogrom,” not “pomegranate.” I mean, really, come on.
3) Ban Ki-Moon is not the leader of North Korea, that’s Kim Il Jong. I mean, Kim Sun Jong. I mean… the old woman with the glasses. Just Google it.
Note: You don’t have to just pretend to care about genocide; you can actually care about it! Please consider donating to http://www.savedarfur.org/, or the organization of your choice.
-JRV ’12 and MG ‘12
