Just in time for Valentine’s Day President Bush last week unveiled his latest plans for the conflict in Iraq. According to Bush, this new strategy offers a fresh perspective on the war, one that envisions it as a coming-of-age romantic comedy, a bildungsroman picture with a heart of gold. “Up until now, our ordeal in Iraq has been like a one-night stand,” Bush explained. “That was phase one – we got too excited and just drunk enough to make some bad decisions. Then we jumped into bed with her. Now it’s the morning after and we just woke up, looked over, and realized what a huge mistake we made. She’s still sound asleep, so our next step is to quietly dress in the dark and tiptoe our way out of her apartment. So you see, the honeymoon isn’t even over…it hasn’t even happened.”
The President then reiterated how important it is for America to stay the course. “We cannot concede or admit defeat,” he stated, “which is why from now on, we will screen all incoming phone calls and never return the ones from Iraq, no matter how distraught or desperate she may sound in them. This is essential for the next phase of the relationship, where we both independently mature and realize what we want from life and from love – a quest that will ultimately lead us back to each other. Of course, we may have to win her back with antics and international aid, but we think that once we meet her parents it will be a lock.”
Conservatives in Washington applauded the President’s strategy but criticized him for not implementing it earlier. “It may be too late now,” lamented Senator John McCain, “she has our number. If only the President had listened to us from the start, she would have a fake name and a wrong number, and we wouldn’t be in this mess.”
The Democrats were also impressed with Bush’s exit strategy, but they questioned the durability of such a plan. “Sure, we can avoid her for now, but it’s not like we’re living on different planets,” complained Senator Ted Kennedy. “One of these days we’re going to run into Iraq on the street, or at Starbucks, or at the Starbucks across the street from that other Starbucks, and we’ll be caught completely off-guard. We’ll make up a phony excuse about being too busy these past few weeks and promise to call her very soon, but she’ll know full well what we’re doing and resent us for it. Then where will our relationship go from there? Nowhere, that’s where.”
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi voiced similar concerns. “This tactic leaves Iraq completely vulnerable, and she might end up doing something really irresponsible and reckless with another country. Have you seen the way Iran has been eyeing her? And Saudi Arabia always snatches the ladies on the rebound. If we leave her now, she might go crying right into Iran’s arms. Is that really what we want?”
Despite these criticisms, the President remained hopeful. “If things go as planned, this strategy will make Iraq realize how much she needs us, and soon enough our country will think about her more and more until we realize that she was the right one for us all along. We’ll end up together, you just watch.”
As for the 2008 election, it isn’t clear how this new strategy will affect the numbers, but political analyst George Stephanofalouphogus puts Barack Obama ahead of everyone else. “Many Americans see President Bush as the shy, clumsy guy who dated Iraq for a little while but won’t commit to a long-term relationship and former President Clinton as the frat jock who ignored her and cheated on her with Bosnia and Somalia. Both of these failed relationships lead us to believe that Iraq has given up on men. This makes now the perfect time for the charismatic Barack Obama to swoop into her life, woo her with his smooth voice, rekindle the fire in her heart, and teach her the true meaning of love.”
George admits that this all might sound unlikely, risky, and borderline insane, but he reassures us that this is how romantic comedies and foreign relationships work. “In these movies, the guy uses an outrageous, spontaneous, loud, and idiotic gesture to win over the girl after all else has failed, and it always works. That is why we need to implement strategies like the President’s, and not do something corny and predictable like, say, trying to settle regional disputes and restore the political and economic infrastructure of the entire country. It’s the oldest trick in the book, and she’ll see it coming from a mile away.” What she won’t see: beating Iran in a ground conflict to prove we’re better.”
