NEW YORK – “What the hell!? I can’t see out these damn things. What am I going to do with six hundred thousand “2010” sunglasses that don’t even fit over my eyes!? Oh God, I’m ruined!” said Richard Sclafani, inventor of the hugely popular line of “2000s” New Years’ novelty eyewear. Over the last decade the gaudy glasses have spawned a multi-million dollar industry– an industry now on the verge of total collapse.
“Every twelve months I just make glasses in the shape of the next year’s number, and they sell. It’s been working since 2000,” said Sclafani.
“How could I have known it would spontaneously stop working ten years later? And our analysts say 2011 will be even worse!”
“When I first sold my home and abandoned my family in 2000 to realize my vision, critics told me I wouldn’t last ten years. I think I finally see what they were getting at.”
Executives across the industry express similar reservations over the 2010 product line.
“These glasses look ridiculous,” said one CEO. The ’00s through ’09s were things of beauty– elegant loops through which the wearer could behold the dawning of a new year. But the 2010s– I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing those tacky pieces of crap.”
“The ‘one’ hits my nose and covers my eye,” complained a street vendor hawking 2010 glasses. “I feel like a big-nosed, retarded pirate. No sober person in her right mind would wear these.”
As of press time, no sober person could be found to comment.
– SL
