In light of the modest financial success of the recently-released Independence Day: Resurgence, producers have started to mine less-popular holidays for new blockbusters. We here at Tiger Mag have used our numerous Hollywood connections – yes, we have many, don’t question it – to procure a list of these festive films:
The Sixth Shrub (dir. M. Night Shyamalan)
This Arbor Day, get ready to be smacked in the face with the mighty fronds of justice! Johnny Appleseed (Mel Gibson), a down-on-his-luck park ranger armed with only his wits and a love of the great outdoors, must undermine nefarious evil-doers from outer space who plan to destroy all that is good and green with their most dangerous weapon: ten Ram 2500 gas-guzzling pickup trucks driving in single file! Along for the ride are two precocious plants – the Giving Tree (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and Groot (the Iron Giant) – and former U.S. presidential candidate Al Gore (Al Gore). Can they save the environment so that we have proper time to destroy it? Plant yourself into that soda-glazed seat on April 28th!
Rated R for Mel Gibson.
Fear Thine Shadow (dir. Paul Greengrass)
When winter comes a-knocking, there’s only one mammal you should call: Special Agent Phil “Punxsutawney” Spring (Matt Damon). He excelled at the Academy as a young recruit from Pennsylvania with a penchant for groundhogs, but now it’s time for him to face the real world when Dr. Shadow (Christoph Waltz), a clone of Spring himself, threatens to plunge the world into another ice age. If he gets spooked by Shadow, we’re looking at a long, cold winter. February 2nd: when winter springs into a theater near you!
Rated PG for tasteful man-on-groundhog romance.
No Rebate for the Wicked (dir. Martin Scorsese)
Robert de Niro stars as a tough, tough-as-nails, so-tough-he-eats-two-by-fours-for-breakfast-with-only-2%-milk-to-wash-it-down, Italian-American conman Joe Gargonini who loves his two daughters and wants them to go to good public schools. But when Joe finds out that the master conman, Louis Argentino D’Raffino, hasn’t paid his taxes in twenty-seven years, he embarks on the long con to put D’Raffino behind bars – every cent D’Raffino keeps for himself detracts from his daughters’ educations. No one detracts from his daughters’ educations. This Tax Day, Scorsese is pulling out all the stops: Leonardo DiCaprio, Alexandra Daddario, Willem Dafoe, Danny DeVito, and Vincent D’Onofrio round out a stellar cast of actors with Scorsese’s weird fetish of a hard “D” sound to start their names. Freeze-framing its way to your hometown cinema on April 17th!
Rated PG-13 for loud Italian accents and taxes.
Tender Moonlight Cornucopia: or, Mother’s Day (dir. Wes Anderson)
Katie du Platt Saunteré (Joey King) is a precocious youth with a knack for getting herself into the most delightful conundrums. On Mother’s Day, she procured, using money from her papaya juice stand, a seemingly-innocuous watercolor that turns out to belong to the Grand Duchess of Lithuaria (Tilda Swinton). Can her estranged father (Ed Norton) help her protect her perplexing purchase, perchance, avoid bungling henchmen who hench (the Wilson Brothers, like, all of them) and return the gift to Mother (Gwenyth Paltrow) by the date to which we honor our mothers?! There’s only one way to find out: zip up your best red jumpsuit and jam out on your beloved glockenspiel this May 14th!
Rated NC-17 for excessive whimsy.
-PS’19
