After years of backlash from the Princeton student body concerning the Woodrow Wilson School and other structures named after the notoriously racist president, president Christopher Eisgruber has finally met with the community and promised to not carry through with the enormous statue of Wilson’s penis he had planned for 2021.
“It’s really a shame we can’t erect this brilliant structure,” Eisgruber stated at a university-wide assembly. “I know my days, personally, would have been brightened by seeing Woodrow Wilson’s enormous cock thrusting up from the ground in front of Firestone.”
Eisgruber’s promise came after a halfhearted attempt to lobby for the statue on the basis that it be “half white and half black,” which student responses quickly shut down. When asked why he would be considering such a structure in the first place, Eisgruber responded incoherently that it would serve to remind Princeton students that we’re all humans at the end of the day.
“Woodrow Wilson had a penis, just like we all do,” Eisgruber said. “Except for those, of course, who do not have penises. But he sure did have a gargantuan johnson — do you know why? Because he was a human. And do you know what humans do? They make mistakes. So sure, he may have been flamboyantly racist, but he also did some good things; that’s what it means to be human, and I think having an excruciatingly detailed statue of his dick is a testament to that fact.”
Eisgruber concluded the assembly by stating he will also consider changing next year’s pre-read from “9 Ways You Can Strive to Be Like Woodrow Wilson In Your Daily Life.”
LM ’22
