Local high school junior Jason Fischer, a self-described “modern-day renaissance man,” told reporters Monday that he was shocked to find out that he was left in the dark about a friend’s upcoming birthday party. Fischer added that though the disinvite stung, he was mostly disheartened to know that he was still only known to his peers as “the guy who had never heard of a vagina.” .
“It was an upsetting revelation for sure,” said Fischer. “ I guess I’ve always been expecting social rejection since the incident freshman year. I had hoped that by demonstrating my intellectual fortitude to my peers, I could help them move past this absurd hang-up and onto more stimulating topics of conversation. ”
“I could always lower myself to the standards of my peers – age-wise, not academically – and partake in such trivial matters,” admitted Fischer. “But I think it’s important for people to view me for who I am: a really smart guy. Of course, it’s obvious from the shenanigans pulled by my so-called friends this weekend that people still think of me as the guy who didn’t know vaginas existed.”
The 17-year-old student confirmed that he, was a freshman in the incident in question, describing how he revealed to his Honors English 1 class that he believed that every baby was born with a penis during a zesty debate regarding government-sponsored distribution of tampons.
“I was totally owning Lauren Battersby with my airtight arguments,” Fischer explained. “Until I suggested that instead of using tampons, people should just pinch their penis shut when they feel blood about to pour out the urethra.”
“I don’t understand what the big deal is,” Fischer quickly added. “I was raised in a conservative, Catholic household and I was never exposed to porn, which apparently serves as our generation’s sex-ed.” “Everyone still remembers me as the ‘everyone has a penis’ kid,” he continued in pained tones, “but I’m smart, I tell you, I’m smart.”
Fischer acknowledged his desire to rectify his public image as a dumbass but said that ever since that day, he has found it difficult to do so. “Whenever I try to elevate banal conversations by introducing an analysis of Nietzsche’s treatise On the Genealogy of Morals, people tell me to shut up,” he said. “It must be that whole vagina thing.”
“I just want the conversations to reflect my mental capabilities,” Fischer said. “Yet, every time I would impart some wisdom, my friends just sigh, roll their eyes, and sometimes even walk away. It’s indisputable that they can’t stand to forgive a man for the mere sin of believing that you could give birth by expanding your penis. They simply can’t reconcile it with the intelligent, advanced man I have become.”
Ultimately, though, Fischer has realized from his missing party invitation that nothing can be done about people’s existing bias against him, and has therefore accepted a lifetime of social scrutiny and exile from his schoolmates.
When pressed on the topic, Leslie Sanders, one of Fischer’s “ex-friends,” said, “I didn’t remembers that pretentious asshole’s two-year-old mistake until you brought it up.”
— JY ’22
