After faculty expressed concern last semester that extended counseling sessions were leaving students unable to finish their work, CPS set out to resolve the issue with a fresh initiative. With creative thinking and a medical staff that understands the ins and outs of student suffering, they came up a solution to optimize access to their resources by targeting a waste of crucial time: walking between classes.
Thus was born WeepyWheels, an innovative transportation system that delivers students’ debilitated husks to their next class while providing a designated time for them to process their mental illnesses. The ride is a one-stop-shop for those pesky grumps, decked with a confidential driver, tissues, and for a low subscription fee, guided meditation. (Voice configuration available in Chris Eisgruber and Waka Flocka Flame.) But those flashy perks just supplement the heart of this resource: a safe space to stop choking back your sobs and more importantly, stop leaving them for later. WeepyWheels guarantees revitalized energy in 3-5 minutes, leaving you ready to take on the grind of the day uninterrupted by the dark thoughts that typically torment the average student during working hours.
With this service, you’ll no longer see your grades tank due to fatigue during depressive episodes: you can now fit those suckers in between your afternoon courses and check it off your to-do list early. But be sure to sign up for a ride starting this Monday and do it quickly! Demand is high after Friday’s successful test run. In case you missed the watershed moment, don’t worry, we got an inside look.
Freshman Jackie Colombo, lucky rider of the highly-attended debut trip, confesses to us why she applied for the contested position: “I think I just had one too many scares crossing Washington Road – moderating my post-calc hyperventilation while checking both ways just wasn’t a sustainable plan anymore. ” Until now. At 11:50 AM on the dot, Jackie walked out of McDonnell eyes brimming and ready to rumble to a crowd of proud onlookers and her assigned nest of sadness, an off-white golf cart with a thoughtful privacy curtain. With a quick hop into the passenger seat, she was on her way.
“Usually, it’s hard to schedule my panic attacks between Math and Spanish. The path is tricky and tears are blinding. But today? Today was special. With a new ability to focus on flushing out the anxiety that stands in the way of my becoming a perfect machine, I was finished being worthless in only 3 minutes. Truly, I’ve never felt so streamlined” she gushed. Jackie was ecstatic.
Her favorite part? Her gentleman of a driver. “I know my sobs are sort of unique. I’d classify them as something between a sharp howl and the sound of a child witnessing gruesome murder. But Felix never made me feel like a burden. The answer of a prince: ‘I drive. Keep cry.’” Princeton, good on you for this one.
— AV ’22
