Don’t get me wrong, I’m a feminist through and through. I avidly support the empowerment of women, however, I’m a bit concerned about this whole breaking the glass ceiling thing. Why isn’t anyone talking about the nearly insurmountable perils that lie beyond this unofficially acknowledged barrier?
Regardless of my commitment to women’s liberation, I definitely do not feel ready to contend with the thousands of spiders riding on the backs of the hornets of the patriarchy that will be released in a hellish swarm upon our society if we, in our progressive hubris, break the glass ceiling which currently serves as a barricade between us and that heinous airborne nightmare.
But it doesn’t stop there. If, in our pursuit of unequivocal equality, we somehow triumph over the hornets and their spider jockeys, we will then have a whole other problem on our hands: two hyper-masculine dragons. Now, I know what you’re thinking. After overcoming thousands of spiders and hornets, I think I can handle two dragons? But be warned! These dragons are ten times the size of the average male ego and breathe fire that is harder to extinguish than double standards.
The next level is actually just another glass ceiling that’s a little bit thicker. BUT THEN, the next obstacle is an army of goblins armed with various instruments of suffering. Some of them catcall. Some of them spit venom. Some of them hit your ankles with scooters. What will our progressive feminist ideals do to protect us against an imp wielding two scooters as weapons while wolf-whistling?
Let me reiterate. I think shattering through the glass ceiling is a noble pursuit, but maybe let’s think twice before we go fool-heartedly breaking through. Consider yourselves warned.
-AC ’21, illustrated by CA ’21
