Dear fans everywhere,
Ever since I first heard His glorious voice and saw his luscious locks, I knew that one day I would marry that godlike man, Harry Styles. Now I know many of you dream of marrying your celebrity crush, whether it is Harry (good choice) or a lesser human, such as Justin Bieber. I can only assume you want to know how I managed to make my dream a reality. However I did not dream but knew that I would marry Harry Styles. Never assume that your future is a simple, dreamlike fantasy if you’d like it to happen.
You too, humble reader, can follow these steps. All you need is a little basic research. Anyone can google Harry Styles to find pictures to drool over, but if you’re determined enough you can find his home address. From there, you just need to figure out when One Direction’s current tour will be over and book a plane flight that will take you to Harry’s hometown at just the right time. Then, after supplying yourself with a few necessary tools from the local hardware store, you climb his iron fence, disable his security system, and walk right into his bedroom where he is getting a much needed night’s worth of beauty sleep. Finally, you take your handy piece of rope, tie and gag him, and hold him at gunpoint until he agrees to marry you to spare his life.
I have to admit, I couldn’t be happier. Harry has described me to the press as “a girl who will go to great lengths to do what she thinks is best for our relationship,” and I, of course, would say the same thing about him. He is so committed to being the best husband he can be that he even convinced the other members of One Direction to cancel their upcoming world tour, saying “I fear what will happen to me if my wife feels that I’m not committed to this marriage.”
As you see, instead of simply dreaming and fantasizing about their celebrity crush, as most fans would do, I took action, doing whatever it took to introduce myself to Harry and convince him to marry me. Too many fans today are out there wondering instead of doing. The only advice I can give to any fans out there desiring to marry the celebrity of their dreams is to forge your own trail and to never let anything, not even the law or the bounds of human decency, to stand in your way.
–AF ’19
