- Use flavored condoms: oral sex becomes that much more enjoyable when she’s tasting babaganoush.
- Be a giving, attentive lover: don’t split your attention between her and the concubine 50:50, show her how much she means to you by shifting to 75:25!
- Watch something dirty together to get in the mood: a pornographic Grecian urn or an erotic Japanese wood etching work best.
- Remember: The best way to pay these days is Venmo—be cute and put an eggplant and peach emoji—it will remind her not to take life too seriously.
- Try removing at least one earbud during sex
- Talk dirty: The key is to not be self conscious—go for the dirty stuff: “I want our gametes to undergo fusion, baby,” or “your secondary sex characteristics are well within the evolutionarily selected traits for fecundity, you fucking tramp.”
- Re-ignite her spark: remind her of the time you head-butted a competing male to death to impress her
- Practice safe sex: you’re going to want to lend her your rollerblade kneepads
- Remember to relax and enjoy the ride! It’s just sex after all! If it doesn’t go well, there’s always the option of developing an addiction to free clips on www.sailormoon.xxx
–AG ‘GS
