Zach McCarthy, a recently admitted member of the Class of 2020, revealed his decision Wednesday to abstain from sexual intercourse until the fall when he can fully take advantage of the university’s hookup scene. “Call me old-fashioned, but I think the moment for that has to be right,” said McCarthy, whose idea of the right moment involves a series of spontaneous sexual encounters played out over his four years as a Princeton undergrad. “Sex is a sacred thing,” he continued, “a solemn act that should be practiced between myself and anywhere from three to ten different individuals on a weekly basis.”
Though saving himself for the promiscuous lifestyle, which will likely become his main time commitment at Princeton could result in months of foregone intimacy, McCarthy seemed confident that it would be worth the wait. “I just wouldn’t be comfortable starting down that road before I’d found the right environment. If I’m not in a place where I can expect to see my grades and general attentiveness suffer from a constant hookup-induced exhaustion, then I’m better off waiting.”
When asked for comment, McCarthy’s parents seemed supportive of their son’s choice. “It took a lot of bravery for Zach to do what he did,” said Linda, his mother. “Most people see their friends pairing off into stable relationships and feel pressured to do the same. But Zach wants to save himself for something truly special: the near constant barrage of functionally anonymous intercourse that will meet him within his first few days, or even hours, at college.”
McCarthy added that, though he is confident in his decision, he realizes that he cannot expect all of his peers to share his views. “I hope that my roommates will be respectful of the way I’ve chosen to live my life, especially because I could use some help paying for the various futons, sofas, divans, pull-out couches, and professional massage tables that will have to be ready to go in our dorm come September.” McCarthy went on to insist that he does not think of himself as a saint for choosing this lifestyle, though he hopes fellow students will at least recognize him as a “veritable hookup God.”
–MA ’19
