• Ancient Aliens: The Origins of Eisgruber
• Masturbation and Netflix: An Autobiography
• That Secret Nazi Base in Antarctica: Fact or Fiction?
• Sad Max: Dystopia and Depression
• 2.5 Liters of My Own Spit, Collected over the Course of Six Months
• A Study of Your Anatomy, Professor Roberts. Thursday night, My Place.
• Trees are Kinda Cool, Right?
• Forty-two Dollars and a Coupon for a Free Small Ice Cream at Thomas Sweets Taped to the Underside of This Desk. Take it. Please. Just Take it.
• Nazis in Space: Probably Fiction, But What If?
• Star Pores: The Future of Dermatology
• A Cold War Spy Thriller With No Paragraph Breaks Written Entirely in the Second Person
• Why I’m Over Being Hosed From Cap and the Whole Bicker Process is Stupid Anyway
• I Know You Want It, Professor Roberts: A Study of Telepathy
• Two Thousand Pictures of My Ingrown Leg Hair, Arraigned in a Flipbook
• Um, well… like, um… maybe like…Africa, or Something?
• Women: Am I Right?
• Ur Mom: Relativity and Massive Objects in the Universe
• Nazis in your closet: Definitely Fact. Check. Check Your Closet Right Now.
• Joining ISIS and Then Writing About it and Shit
• Orgies: Do They Exist? Also, Where and When?
• Marky Mark and the Funky Brunch: Boston Rap, Questionable Eggs, and the Future of American Foreign Policy
• Basically Anything Where the University Pays Me to Get Plastered and Go Do Weird Shit in Tokyo
• An X-Rated Remake of The Graduate. Starring Me as Dustin Hoffman and You, Professor Roberts, as Anne Bancroft.
• Deez Nuts!
• Eighty Pages Listing Every Single Time My Dickish, Dickhead Freshman Roommate was a Total Dick
• A Manila Envelope Full of My Own Feces, Overnighted to San Francisco and Back Every Day For Three Weeks
• Tiny little Nazis that Look Exactly Like Ants but They’re Actually Nazis: Fiction, but it Would Make an Awesome Movie
• Rectal Brolapse: Colon Health in National Fraternities
• Two Tickets to See Shrek: The Musical live-streamed to the Garden Theater, Professor Roberts. Maybe Afterward We Can Visit Your Swamp.
— ASG ’18
