Earlier this week, NASA probe 141-R made international news by successfully pinpointing the location of the first ever documented wormhole. The probe’s previously mundane mission to the moon, a routine visit mainly for purposes of sediment examination, took a turn for the strange upon the discovery of a buzzing, glowing gap in the space-time continuum some sixty meters away from the moon’s surface. Though the discovery of the wormhole was groundbreaking, the obvious lingering question thereafter was, of course, that of the wormhole’s destination. What was to be found on the other side? What new worlds lay beyond the threshold of this confounding scientific anomaly? This morning, reports from a NASA probe sent out earlier this week answered these burning questions: the wormhole leads directly to a Sizzler in Muncie, Indiana.
While most experts had hypothesized that the wormhole might be a gateway into another dimension or a previously unreachable point in deep space, few, if any, expected a portal to 200 West Mcgalliard Road, the site of Muncie’s third most popular outlet of the moderately successful Sizzler dining chain. Further investigation of the wormhole revealed that it deposits space explorers on the western side of the restaurant’s main dining area, a disheartening thirty feet away from the restaurant’s exit.
“Am I disappointed? Slightly”, NASA Administrator Charles Bolden told reporters. “But I can’t say I didn’t have a suspicion something like this might happen, especially after last week when what appeared to be a never-before-seen dwarf planet on the outskirts of our solar system turned out to be a stain of Sizzler Special-Blend Mayonnaise Sauce™ on the lens of our telescope [an incident for which telescope technician/mayonnaise enthusiast Burt Filmore would later take responsibility]. So this is not the first time one of our major astronomical breakthroughs turned out to be much more Sizzler-related than we’d hoped it would be.”
NASA has confirmed that even though Muncie’s third most popular Sizzler is not located in outer space per se, it is still crucial that its top space professionals conduct a thorough examination. As a result, astronauts who had hoped to spend their days exploring stars, planets and the mysteries of the universe will now instead be spending their days exploring sticky chairs, underwhelming spaghetti bolognese, and a Need for Speed machine whose steering wheel always drifts left.
“Perhaps most upsetting is the fact that the wormhole seems to only work one way,” Bolden continued. “This makes it much more difficult to get out of Muncie than our brave wormhole explorers would like it to be.”
— MF ’19
