Each year, upon graduation, a handful of Princeton students participate in Princeton in Asia, Princeton in Africa, or Princeton in Latin America—fellowships that engage fresh graduates in public service work abroad. Given the appeal of these programs to students who spent four years at Princeton and never did anything in the nation’s service or in the service of all nations as well as to students who just could not find a permanent job, the organizations that coordinate these fellowships plan to introduce several new international service placements next year. Until then, the organizations have put together these five fellowships that will allow fellows to engage in some much needed service domestically.
Princeton in Harvard (PIH)
With grade deflation terminated, many Princeton professors are at a loss, unsure of how to give out fair grades without psychologically damaging their students. PIH fellows will help Princeton’s faculty navigate this policy change by studying the academic institutions at Harvard. Fellows will sit in on classes, shadow students, and study transcripts to determine how exactly course difficulty and student effort translate to grades received at the college ranked #2 in the country. At the end of the year-long fellowship, fellows will hopefully have a deep understanding of what 98% of the Harvard student body is doing to earn As. In their free time, PIH fellows can attend quaint croquet matches and converse with the personal butlers who attend various Harvard undergraduates. The ideal fellows have gotten over the fact that grade deflation ended in their last year at Princeton and have a knack for separating insightful work from what is known in the field of education research as “BS.”
Princeton in the U-Store (PITU)
From robbery to prostitution, the Princeton University Store is the crime hub of the Princeton campus. The PITU fellowship seeks hardworking, motivated fellows who will go to any lengths to end these misdemeanors and transform the U-Store into the Campus Club of University Place. Each fellow will be housed in a single in the Forbes Annex that, if the Class of 2019 overenrolls, he or she will share with an incoming freshman. The ideal candidate is interested in crime management, has some knowledge of the legal system in New Jersey, and won’t mind living off Chobani yogurt and day-old sushi for a year.
Princeton Insists On Never Ever Providing Its Students With Two-Ply Toilet Paper, Like Ever (PIONEEPISWTPTPLE)
The number one thing that Princeton students complain about is Bicker. The number two thing that Princeton students complain about is one-ply toilet paper. Yet while Bicker is accepted by many as a necessary evil within Princeton’s social culture, few students defend the University’s refusal to allocate even a cent of its billion dollar endowment to two-ply. PIONEEPISWTPTPLE fellows will be tasked with changing the campus attitude towards toilet paper thickness. Fellows will research the history of Princeton’s toilet paper policies, the environmental benefits of one-ply, and other related issues. Fellows will then put together an online pre-orientation module on the importance of one-ply to be completed by incoming students along with AlcoholEdu. The ideal fellow has never used two-ply toilet paper.
Princeton in Major Preparatory Schools (PIMPS)
In the past decade, Princeton has sent admissions officers across the country to talk to low-income and racial minority students about applying to the University in order to promote diversity at the school. This year, the Committee on Diversity has developed a new strategy for achieving a well-rounded student body: Instead of encouraging minorities, admissions will discourage majorities, an endeavor that cannot be successful without the aid of young Princeton grads whose wounds accumulated from four years at Princeton are still raw and open. Fellows will travel to Lawrenceville, Deerfield, and other prep schools from which Princeton tends to receive applications from large amounts of rich white students. There, they will offer firsthand accounts of the dark side of Old Nassau, providing in-depth accounts of living with the meng arm, searching for meaningful relationships amidst Princeton’s hookup culture, dealing with lazy writing seminar professors who send in draft comments the night before revisions are due, and all other negative experiences they had at the University. The ideal candidate is bitter, posts frequently on PFML, and is not planning on attending Reunions.
Princeton in the Backseat (PITB)
The day after graduation, walk down to the Wa at 5 in the morning. You will see a white pickup truck approaching from the distance. As it comes closer, hold your thumb up in the air. The driver will slow to a halt. He will nod at you, and that will be your cue to get into the backseat of his vehicle. He will then drive away, and your fellowship adventure will begin.
– ACD ’16
