Dating can be stressful. Finding the right match can be the difference between a satisfying validation of everything you’ve done since birth and Stockholm Syndrome. But while Princeton is full of keepers, it’s also full of creepers, and finding the right partner is not as easy as getting into Princeton. Indeed, with a growing millennial population, dating is an even bigger crapshoot than before, and the pressure to have a date as you go to a senseless, drunken orgy of a party is only increasing with time. But don’t fret, because College Confidential has 3 easy tips to help you poach a tiger.
Do Your Homework
Princeton is a pretty special place, and getting off to a good start is a matter of fitting in. After all, individuality is incompatible with companionship. After you hit the books, make sure to let other people know. Shouting out terms like, “Dean’s Date” and “ORFE” will distinguish you from the still-free-minded freshmen crowd. As any ORFE major would know, scarcity makes your assets appreciate, and having the rarest assets on the market is a surefire path to hormonal love. Having nice breasts is good too. In the end, the most important thing is to let people know you’re in on the scene. Bragging about how you bagged a senior in “Gee-oh” or how you met “him” at “The Wa” elevates you above the rabble. Reading Rights, Rules, and Regulations might be going too far though. If worse comes to worst, remember that “trichloromethane” is Princeton lingo for chloroform.
Lie
Princeton is a dream school for some. And in this dream, there’s no real reason to subscribe to reality. After all, reality will tell you that you’re out of your depth, and that your GPA is no longer an excuse for having no personality. So clear your Google history—just say you got a new computer for college—and build yourself a new you. Besides, in this field of geniuses and volunteer firefighters, who’s going to question your missionary work in Tibet or your Civil Rights activism with Martin Luther King? But more important than lying to others is lying to yourself. Learning how to apply make-up without looking at your reflection and believing your increasingly pathetic justifications for your lifestyle will give you the confidence you need to find a partner, as well as set the foundation for adult life.
Have a Safety
Let’s face it. Sometimes life is not a fairy tale. Sometimes that football player is taken. Sometimes Frick runs out of chloroform. Sometimes your professor is a decent human being. In the end, it’s a bad idea to put all your eggs in one basket. Fortunately, Princeton is a pretty big place, and there are plenty of baskets you can score in. You can even dunk on the low hanging ones. So feel free to shop around. Besides, chances are that football player will free up in about four weeks.
– KXS ’15. Illustrated by JJW ’16.
