Are you single? More importantly, are you desperate? Finally, do you want to cross the border between planets and species into a realm of pleasures unknown? Our guide to intergalactic dating will fulfill all of your xenophiliic needs.
Sylvus: The inhabitants of this world are ubiquitously intelligent, witty, patient, driven, and willing to compromise. They are also sentient balls of acidic slime.
Bring: Lube, Sense of Adventure, NaOH
Acheron: Couples are selected via random lottery and wed for life. Disproportionately high number of unsolved murders.
Bring: Wedding ring, lube.
Juno 12: Budding.
Bring: It On, The Musical
Henry 8: This planet’s immortal god-king married and executed half of the female population until revolutionaries shot him into the center of their sun. He now resides in the molten core of the dying star.
Bring: Lube, ice cubes.
Depravia XXX: The less that is said, the better.
Bring: A camera.
Omnis: More budding.
Bring: Don’t.
Vania: A planet of two-headed hermaphrodites in codependent relationships with themselves.
Bring: Condoms, open mind.
Stygia: A prison for the galaxy’s worst criminals, run entirely by their jilted lovers. A common target of Amnesty Intergalactic.
Bring: Lube, flowers.
Gaia 2: Budding.
Bring: Honor to us all
Gintini: The inventors and lead practitioners of hyperspeed dating. Each hyperspeed date lasts for 15 seconds. Going overtime is penalized with a near-lethal electric shock. As a result, the Gintini language has broken down to a series of rapid clicks and hand gestures.
Bring: Translator, Bible
Odyssey 4: Here, a race of carnivorous sirens attempts to lure starships astray with their voices. Fortunately, sound cannot travel through space.
Bring: Headphones, *edible* body chocolate.
Esotera 9: More budding than you can handle.
Bring: Astroglide.
Ionea Prime: Due to a wildly imbalanced gender ratio, male suitors must compete in a planet-wide tournament called “The Games.” Every year, arena fights to the death are broadcast across the galaxy for romantics, sports fans, and gamblers alike. The survivors release shitty books and overrated movies about their experience.
Bring: Pass.
Amora: Budding. Fucking also.
Bring: Me the Horizon
We do not accept responsibility for any emotional distress, venereal disease, arrests, dismemberment, disintegration, or hivemind assimilation that may befall users of this guide
– DD ’13. Illustrated by AZ ’16.
