1: Convince the international parents that their freshman has to re-apply for sophomore year.
“…and the acceptance rate keeps on going down, so you’d better prepare now!”
2: Point them toward the FIRST Campus Center
“Among many other Princeton accomplishments, we were also the very Frist college to have a student center…To get there, take the Frist right after you pass a garden…”
3: Give incorrect directions
“To get to Richardson Auditorium? Sure, just follow this road past some castles and keep going south until you see a lake. Then go further.”
4: Make up historical facts
“See that gargoyle? Woodrow Wilson drunkenly pissed on that gargoyle.”
5: Give dinner advice
“You’ll need a reservation for the dining halls this evening. And don’t forget to tip your Maître’d. ”
6: Inform them of student rituals
“At midnight when the full moon comes, the secret societies meet freshmen in the crawl space under Dillon Gym and form blood pacts in the presence of a voodoo mistress. Seriously, why do you think your child is wearing gloves in this moderate weather?”
7: Charge for golf cart rides
“Princeton Valet Service, what is your destination?”
8: Make up student statistics
“87% of freshmen consume hallucinogenic drugs during Frosh Week. But I’m SURE your child was the exception.”
9: Inform them about student activities
“A virgin, you said? Hahahahahahhahahahahha.”
10: Belittle their child’s accomplishments
“She ranked 2nd place nationally? That’s… cute.”
BONUS POINT: Convince them to go to an eating club on Saturday night
“Oh sure, the nearest restroom is just down Prospect Avenue. Just give the bouncers by the imposing brick one this coupon to Ivy Inn, and they’ll let you in…”
– MS ’16
