In what students are calling a miracle of human endurance, the freshman Greg Shifter has finally returned to campus a full semester after the rest of his Outdoor Action group. The newest member of Forbes College, Shifter was separated from his group during a pool party in Dillon Gymnasium the night freshmen returned to campus, having all been evacuated from their respective outdoor adventures. “I didn’t think I would ever get out,” Shifter said of his time in Dillon, “though things certainly took a turn for the better when I found the edge of the pool on day twelve.”
A prospective mathematics major, Greg found sustenance by foraging in the men’s locker room. “The food was superb, but EVERYONE was naked,” he was overheard telling his mother, “I’m just so happy to finally be home.” Having confused several athletes for animals and vice versa, Shifter was frequently injured during his life in Dillon, and though the freshman was lucky enough to live through such a terrible ordeal, the effects on his health are only just beginning to surface. “My diagnosis,” sophomore pre-med Jan Wan told us, “shows that all of the GORP has literally dissolved away the lining of his stomach. He would have been better off drinking straight everclear for a week.”
Shifter’s OA leader, Tomer Yavetz, is considered responsible for the incident and is currently in a holding cell in Wilson College. When approached for an interview the Tiger found only a broken man, alternatively sobbing, creating ceramics, dancing in Black Box, pleading for better lodging, and waiting for his Panini to press. “At least the Forbes Annex,” he said. “Please. No one deserves Wilson.”
A university-wide hero and the recipient of every Shapiro prize, Shifter will lead his own OA trip this Fall before beginning his new job as Director of Outdoor Action. Next month he will be holding a lecture on wilderness survival techniques at the Shifter Campus Center.
-Preston Cosslett Kemeny ‘15
Illustrations by KGR ’15
