Today, in a move that will merely fulfill the expectations of many, the Rhode Island State Senate voted to adopt a bill officially moving Rhode Island from its current place under Massachusetts to a new location just off the coast of New York. The bill’s originator, Senator Leonidas P. Raptakis, spoke to the bill and its purpose:
“Well when I was a travelling gyro [pronounced YEE-ro] salesman, I met a lot of people. And eventually, after they had enjoyed my delicious and reasonably priced gyros, these people would speak to me about where I was from. I would always answer, ‘Yes I do think Goodnight, Moon is a delightful book, and oh, what’s that? Yes, I’m from Rhode Island.’ Nine times out of ten they’d reply ‘Oh yeah just off the coast of New York, right?’ I just got tired of explaining that they were confusing Rhode Island with Long Island, and figured it would be easiest if Rhode Island was where everyone thought it was anyway.”
The move is scheduled to get underway within the next two weeks, and men, women, and children around the state are poised with extremely large shovels to help the moving process. “The bill assigns each Rhode Islander to a work crew according to age,” said Raptakis, “And each crew is assigned a part of the border to dig out from the planet.” Once Rhode Island is detached from its surrounding states and floating on the Atlantic, Rhode Islanders will push the state out to sea. “We hired only the finest Venetian gondola drivers to teach us how to use our poles,” said Raptakis when asked about the second stage of the move. From there, Rhode Islanders of all ages will be chained to the rowing benches installed all along the borders of the state and the people of Rhode Island will row their beloved state to its new home. “We are extremely proud that this is an operation by Rhode Island, for Rhode Island,” Raptakis said, “Also we are proud that this is a 100% green operation. We were sure to be environmentally conscious every step of the way, and the move will emit absolutely zero carbon emissions.”
Next week the Rhode Island legislature is poised to pass a bill, commonly referred to as The Family Guy Bill, which proposes that the state build a town called Quahog to fulfill the common belief that the popular television show Family Guy is set in a real place.
– Trap Yates ‘14
