Things Found in Bin Laden’s Mansion

1. Your car keys
2. DVD of Ankles of Tehran IV: These IslamaBad Girls Have BaghDaddy Issues
3. The last horcrux
4. Jimmy Hoffa’s body
5. Tupac, who was also shot, but survived
6. Seasons 2-5 of prophetic police procedural, “The Funda-mentalist”
7. The napkin I wrote my number on that I gave to that super hot girl who I met at the bar who was totally into me, but then she never called
8. The missing Watergate tapes
9. Carmen San Diego
10. Will of the Proletariat

-Staff