“Today, I finally finished my senior thesis. I was walking across campus to turn it in to my advisor when a stiff wind kicked up. Now I don’t have a senior thesis anymore. FML”
“Believed my roommate to be asleep and began my nightly bout of self-abuse. He was not. Now I am to be caned. FML”
“Sneezed while my daguerrotype was being taken. FML”
“I bickered Ivy, but got hosed. There are no other eating clubs. FML”
“As a gift for my matriculation at Princeton, I received an ornate ivory cane inlaid with fine Abyssinian gold, which my parents paid for instead of treating my sister for the rickets. Upon arriving on campus, a group of sophomores bum-rushed me, beat me savagely, and took it. FML”
“Blacked out drinking and woke up the next morning in bed under a 250 pound behemoth of a local girl. Turns out we both contracted polio during the night. Nobody found us for three hours. FML”
“Tonight, I’ve finally accepted that I’m in love with my best friend. He’s straight, and I thought I was as well. Now I am to be caned. FML”
“On returning from a night out, I found a five dollar greenback in the pocket of my trousers. Can you say toasted flat-bread sandwich? MLIG. There is no WaWa, and there will not be one for another century or so. FML”
“While writing one of my papers, my houseboy spilled india ink on my best waistcoat, and I was forced to cane him to death. Now I have no cane, no houseboy, no waistcoat, and no paper. FML.”
“Last Saturday, I was more charming than I’ve ever been and hit on this really cute freshman like a pro. It was only when we got back to her room that I remembered that there are no girls at Princeton. FML”
“Got caught in the rain today, and my make-up came off. Now everybody knows I’m a Negro. I am to be caned. FML”
“If I do not stay a virgin until marriage, my father will cease to fund my education. MLIA”
“My roommate won’t shut up about his ‘fourteen points’ for how he would improve the university. Shut the fuck up, Woody. Nobody gives a shit. FML”
-DJA ’13
