The devastating breakup with his live-in girlfriend of three years has left local man Andrew White emotionally drained and hungry. “I really thought she was the one,” White told reporters, speaking from a poorly lit bedroom that reflected the darkness in his soul. “All I’ve got left is this dull ache in the pit of my stomach — it’s like all the warmth went out of the world.”
White added, “Kate [Holman] always took care of the groceries, so I’ve sort of been living off some Wonder Bread and peanut butter since she left.” White is expected to seek out fatty, easily available snacks as alternatives to healthy foods as well as fatty, easily available women in lieu of healthy relationships.
– Steven Liss ’10
