Tuesday, 10 Jun 2025
  • My Feed
  • My Interests
  • My Saves
  • History
  • Blog
Subscribe
Tiger Magazine
  • Home
  • Opinion

    Five Household Appliances with a Surprising Feminist History

    By
    Ana DeJesus

    Early Admissions

    By
    Angela Zhou

    Princeton: A Day In the Life

    By
    Nate Perlmeter

    Fun Facts Overheard During OA Icebreakers

    By
    C.

    Letter to the Editor – February 2007

    By
    admin

    Body Positivity Never Saw My Hideous Toes Coming

    By
    Ana DeJesus
  • Politics
  • Health
  • Pages
    • Blog Index
    • Contact US
    • Search Page
    • 404 Page
    • Travel
    • Technology
    • World
  • 🔥
  • Archives
  • Princeton
  • Life
  • News
  • Politics
  • Entertainment
  • Advice
  • Opinion
  • Uncategorized
  • Princeton
Font ResizerAa
Tiger MagazineTiger Magazine
0
  • My Saves
  • My Interests
  • My Feed
  • History
  • Travel
  • Opinion
  • Politics
  • Health
  • Technology
  • World
Search
  • Pages
    • Home
    • Blog Index
    • Contact Us
    • Search Page
    • 404 Page
  • Personalized
    • My Feed
    • My Saves
    • My Interests
    • History
  • Categories
    • Opinion
    • Politics
    • Technology
    • Travel
    • Health
    • World
Have an existing account? Sign In
Follow US
© 2022 Foxiz News Network. Ruby Design Company. All Rights Reserved.
Tiger Magazine > Blog > Archives > Archeological Dig in Firestone Library Turns up New Human Ancestor
ArchivesPrinceton

Archeological Dig in Firestone Library Turns up New Human Ancestor

Last updated: March 22, 2019 3:24 pm
Myra Gupta
Share
SHARE

firestoneLate last night, archaeologists working overtime in the recently discovered fifth basement of Firestone Library uncovered the preserved remains of several Princeton students who they believe to date back hundreds of years.  Their report, released today, details the specifics of their find.

“With this definitive evidence, we can conclude that these primordial ‘Fresh’ men were lost in the basement without light and cowered in the corner of the library until they expired,” said the report.

“It’s no surprise that these remains have never been uncovered.” stated Dr. Malcolm Leigh, project director of the ongoing Firestone excavation, adding, “Honestly, who goes this far into Firestone, anyways?”

Archaeologists observed large piles of books around the skeletons of the students, corroborating radiocarbon dating evidence that the students entered the library during midterms week in the late 1800s.  While the cause of death was largely attributed to starvation, tooth marks on the students’ bones indicate the students resorted to cannibalism, or maybe some weird 19th century repressed homoeroticism.  “This sort of behavior is not uncommonly observed in freshmen under stress,” explained Leigh.

Scientists marveled at the high quality in which the remains were found, citing probable causes in their report. “The large masses of books as well as the collapsed stacks probably trapped the students and buried them until we uncovered them yesterday.  This entombing effect preserved the bodies and made this discovery possible.”

This unusual excavation has drawn national attention from historical societies, which have been clamoring at an opportunity to study the uniquely preserved forms of the first Princeton men. Upon analyzing their fingertips, they found traces of pipe tobacco, quill ink, and André. Apparently, some things are consistent throughout history.

The dangers of straying into the depths of Firestone Library are well documented.  This discovery comes only days after search efforts for a group of lost underclassmen in the fourth basement was abandoned, and an estimated five to ten students die each year in the lower levels from starvation, being unwittingly crushed by fellow students while browsing stacks, or being gored by the minotaur.

The chairman of the Librarian Committee of Firestone Library was available for comment.  “We advise students against wandering into the second basement without using the buddy system, and trips to the third basement should only be made with proper flashlights, harnesses, and emergency radio equipment, available from the circulation desk.  We’re disturbed that so many students are lost this way each year.”

Finally, the chairman added, “Whatevs, at least they’re just freshmen.”

-KH‘13

TAGGED:archaeologyfirestonefossilsfreshmenscience
Share This Article
Email Copy Link Print
Previous Article P Diddy to Join Fox News on New “Hannity and Combs”
Next Article Designing the New Apple Tablet Computer

Your Trusted Source for Accurate and Timely Updates!

Our commitment to accuracy, impartiality, and delivering breaking news as it happens has earned us the trust of a vast audience. Stay ahead with real-time updates on the latest events, trends.
FacebookLike
XFollow
InstagramFollow
LinkedInFollow
MediumFollow
QuoraFollow
- Advertisement -
Ad image

You Might Also Like

Dean Malkiel Leaves Princeton for Standard & Poor’s

By
Former Writers Who Wish To Remain Anonymous

A List of 5 Biographies That Will Probably One Day Be Written About The Author

By
Jim Valcourt

Designing the New Apple Tablet Computer

By
Jim Valcourt
NewsPrinceton

Loki the Hedgehog Faces Disciplinary Action for Adderall Use

By
Matt Gwin
Tiger Magazine
Facebook Twitter Youtube Rss Medium

About US


BuzzStream Live News: Your instant connection to breaking stories and live updates. Stay informed with our real-time coverage across politics, tech, entertainment, and more. Your reliable source for 24/7 news.
Top Categories
  • World
  • Opinion
  • Politics
  • Tech
  • Health
  • Travel
Usefull Links
  • Contact Us
  • Advertise with US
  • Complaint
  • Privacy Policy
  • Cookie Policy
  • Submit a Tip
© Foxiz News Network. Ruby Design Company. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome Back!

Sign in to your account

Username or Email Address
Password

Lost your password?