The 2009 Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded to Barack Obama for his “extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and” — wait, what? Now don’t get me wrong, Obama seems all cool and stuff, but honestly, the man has been president for 8 months. Even if he cured AIDS by stepping into the oval office, give it time! We should still give him a chance to start an unnecessary war or have a sex scandal or mispronounce nuclear– it’s only fair.
Some news outlets are speculating that this award is essentially a “Congratulations on not being Bush” prize. I disagree. I think this award has many other roles:
- Reminds Obama of the sick Olympic gold medal design Chicago could have had
- Chance for Nobel Committee to meet Jesu—Obama in person
- Gets Obama tickets to Al Gore’s “Laureates Only” naked foam parties
- Part of massive right-wing conspiracy to distract Obama from healthcare long enough to euthanize it
- Recognition of stunning diplomatic prowess displayed during Beer Summit
- Small donation to offset massive U.S. deficit spending
- Funding Michelle Obama’s next Jason Wu sweater-skirt ensemble
When asked if he would consider symbolically passing the prize on to another world leader who would have been a more conventional choice, Obama replied as a true Chicagoan: “I’ve got this thing and it’s fucking golden. I’m not just giving it up for fucking nothing.”
-JRV ’12
