Princeton University Course Offerings, Spring Term 3009 [recovered by Tiger Magazine’s intrepid, brave time-traveling reporter. Translated into English for popular consumption]
AAS100: Introduction to African-American Studies
Description: The toils and troubles of African Americans from slavery to 2500, when the government turned everybody literally colorblind to make things a little easier for them. Taught by legendary Princeton Professor Cornel West, who is miraculously still living, breathing, voice-booming, and gesturing wildly.
Sample Reading List: Race Matters, China: Glorious Rise to the Top
ANT549666: How to Read a Book
Description: For quirky human studies aficionados, this course is a return to basics in a world where trees went extinct long ago. Extensive use of Princeton’s Rare Books Collection makes this course unique. While this course offers no skills that are useful in the 31st century, boy is it a hoot to whip out this knowledge at parties. Lab section 80% of grade.
Sample Reading List: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, How to Read a Book: The Movie Version
ANT958400: Race and the Robo-Pornological
Description: The emergence of robots being used in modern pornography has given rise to a number of morally questionable practices, and ethically practical questions. Are robots being exploited in the media, mistakenly giving credence to a number of pejorative stereotypes? Is it possible for a robot’s innocence to be corrupted? Is it considered cheating if a married person engages in obscene relations with a robot prostitute? How big ARE robot penises in real life?
Sample Reading/Viewing List: Star Whores: The Robot Empire Strikes (your) Back, Six Degrees of Robo-Penetration, 3001: A Sex Robodyssey
COS276000: How to Tame Robots
Description: A hands-on study into the imminent robot revolution; curbing it in one’s everyday life; consequences of a robot-dominated society. Lab section included. Prerequisites include: COS9600: Using Light Switches, and a strong will that can resist extreme robot mind-invasions.
Sample Reading List: Why You Should Turn Off Your Coffee Maker At Night, What Your Robot-Nanny is Telling Your Children While You’re Away, From Floppy Disks to Robot Adopted Children: A History
EAS811000: One Half Child Policy Makes Great Success
Description: Grand Eastern Superpower defies all odds to enforce culturally revolutionary ½ child policy. There are no errors whatsoever and it is extremely successful in curbing population excess around the world.
Sample Reading List: Confucianism: It’s Importance in Our World, Aliens Make Contact and Emulate China On Their Home Planets, Rice is Delicious, How the Olympics Came to be Held Every Year in Splendid China
EEB471000: Preparing for the Ice Age
Description: While global warming a thousand years ago turned out to be a big hullabaloo when there was really nothing to be worried about, the next ice age will most certainly changed each and everyone one of our lives in a destructive manner—and it’s all our fault. How carbon emissions reduction, water conservation, and successfully finding renewable energy sources are harbingers of doom for the upcoming Ice Age.
Sample Reading List: The Polar Ice Caps Are in Danger of Reforming: What This Means for Your Vacation Home, Chairman Mao: A Hero in Retrospect, Ice Age (the movie)
ENG101: Engrish: An Introduction
Description: Now that China rules the world and Mandarin is the universally acknowledged primary language, a return to an old standby language that has now been rendered obsolete. For history buffs or simply those who are not content to be completely immersed in the Chinese culture. Note: Taking this class automatically puts you on a government watch list. Nothing to worry about.
Sample Reading List: ******* [censored], ******** [censored], Why Engrish is Unnecessary in Magnificent Chinese World
FRS453800: The Staten Island Experiment
Description: While the Manhattan Experiment represented a turning point for science in developing the atomic bomb, the Staten Island Experiment represents modern government’s extravagant, and extremely costly failure to create teleportation—to disastrous consequences.
Sample Reading List: Apparition? More Like Avada Kedavra, Accidents Happen: Government Oopsies!
FRS912000: On Goofy and Cryogenics
Description: Special guest lecturer Walt Disney, recently brought to life from his cryogenically frozen state over a thousand years ago, offers a unique opportunity to look at the growth of animation in America from it’s beginning, to see the creator’s perspective on modern animation, and to hear firsthand what is like to be put on ice and shoved into a box for a thousand years. Prerequisites: Being human, bringing hot chocolate to warm up the room.
HIS675000: Arcane Texts
Description: Much like the hieroglyphs of Ancient Egypt, the elusive text-messaging language of the early 21st century holds many mysteries and treasures for modern scholars. Students will approach the topic from an anthropological standpoint, analyzing subtexts and nuances of the forgotten tongue. By the end of this course, students will be able to write proficiently in the colloquial lexicon of the times, and even decipher such gems as “BAMF” and “ROFLcopter” while understanding a complex, though extremely primitive, society.
Sample Reading List: MySpace: The Book, Facebook: The Space
POL654000: Barack Hussein Obama: The Truth in Perspective
Description: As has recently been discovered through the eyes of history, revolutionary President Barack Obama was hiding many things of which the American people, and the rest of the world, were not aware. He was secretly a terrorist, BFFs with Bill Ayers, a Democrat [Note from the Editor: See Tiger’s hard-hitting news story on this very topic], and—in an incredibly showing of disguise-smithery and public ignorance to John McCain’s warning—Paris Hilton. The man behind the many facades, and its effect on our modern world.
Sample Reading List: America: How Communism Steamrolls Democracy, Tricksters Throughout History
-MG ’12
