In what has been his most well-received stump speech yet, Republican Tom Tancredo proposed his latest measure to fight terrorism: blowing up the world.
“Muslims are growing in number, and they’re showing up all over the place, even right here in America!” he announced to a terrified crowd about the world’s fastest growing religion. “It’s no longer enough to threaten Mecca and Medina — we need to broaden our scope and blow up the entire world if we want to teach these terrorists a lesson!”
“Of course,” he explained, “I’m not talking about all Muslims, but this is no time to make distinctions. Not only are these Islamo-fascists all terrorists, but they perform abortions, raise taxes, and support the homosexual agenda!”
The writer of this article was too afraid to find a Muslim to verify any of these claims.
“The problem is,” Tancredo told the shocked crowd, “that these Islamo-Nazis are all over the place. One in five people is a Muslim! That means any of us could be one– not me, of course, but maybe one of these guys!” he said, pointing at the campaign workers seated beside him. “The next time a terrorist tries to take us down, we respond by taking all of them down — with a single Earth-destroying nuclear smart-bomb!”
Despite immense popularity (Tancredo has since surged to 2% in the polls), the proposal has been lambasted by critics as an attempt to one-up Mitt Romney’s plan to expand Guantanamo to engulf the entire Western Hemisphere.
An official from the Romney campaign scoffed at Tancredo’s proposal. “Sure, we could bomb the whole world,” he said, “but where would we detain all the Islamo-bots? Certainly not puny Gitmo — only candidate Romney’s GuantanaRAMA 3000 will be able to hold over a billion robots… AND torture them.”
Meanwhile, the proposal has angered Democrats. Barack Obama described the idea as “ridiculous.” He elaborated, “How dare he propose blowing up the world unilaterally? This is an effort that all countries need to get behind.”
Hillary Clinton called the idea naive, then called Obama naive, and then said she was equally against Tancredo’s idea and the inexperienced Obama, but was also for the idea because she’s not soft on terror and for Obama because she wants to stay popular with her base. She then accused the press of biased reporting, threw a smoke bomb on the floor, and flew out of the room on a broomstick, cackling into the distance.
Pundits are also weighing in on Tancredo’s idea. Bill O’Reilly word-humped Tancredo’s idea on his program. “The only way to stop these Islamo-zombies is to beat them at their own game. Think about it: once we’ve bombed the whole world there’ll be nothing left to terrorize. There’s no downside to this plan. Think about it…again.”
Sean Hannity also applauded the idea but feared it didn’t go far enough. “I’m all for nuking the Earth, but will it stop the Islamo-vampires? These guys fly around the world, devouring the souls of little children — will bombing the world really do the trick?”
Rush Limbaugh was the only voice of conciliation in this war of ideas within the Republican party. “Some people like GuanatanaRAMA 3000, others like Bomb Earth, and still others want to send Jack Bauer to the Middle East and just let him go crazy,” he told his listeners. “But, this is all political BS. Why can’t we just do all of the above?”
Despite all the debate, Tancredo’s speech is being hailed as the most heroic political speech by a presidential hopeful since Rudy Guiliani’s “9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11. Am I President yet?” speech and that time when Hillary Clinton shut up for a change.
Tancredo stands by his proposal and rejects accusations that this was simply an empty crowd-pleaser. “I’ve put a lot of thought into this, and I’m convinced the only way to truly win the Global War on Terror is to take out the Globe. Only then,” he said, “will we win the war as well as the hearts and minds of those in the Middle East.”
