AAS 499/AFS 499/AMS 499/ANT 499/AOS 499/APC 499/ARA 499/ARC 499/ART 499/AST 499/ATL 499/BCS 499/CEE 499/CHE 499/CHI 499/CHM 499/CHV 499/CLA 499/CLG 499/COM 499/COS 499/CWR 499/CZE 499/DAN 499/EAP 499/EAS 499/ECO 499/ECS 499/EEB 499/EGR 499/ELE 499/ENG 499/ENV 499/EPS 499/FIN 499/FRE 499/FRS 499/GEO 499/GER 499/HEB 499/HIN 499/HIS 499/HLS 499/HOS 499/HUM 499/ITA 499/JDS 499/JPN 499/JRN 499/KOR 499/LAS 499/LAT 499/LIN 499/MAE 499/MAT 499/MED 499/MOD 499/MOG 499/MOL 499/MSE 499/MUS 499/NES 499/ORF 499/PAW 499/PER 499/PHI 499/PHY 499/PLS 499/POL 499/POP 499/POR 499/PSY 499/QCB 499/REL 499/RUS 499/SLA 499/SOC 499/SPA 499/STC 499/SWA 499/THR 499/TPP 499/TRA 499/TUR 499/URB 499/VIS 499/WOM 499/WRI 499/WWS 499
Valedictatorship
na, npdf
Maximum enrollment: 1
Professor(s): You
Description/Objectives:
We’d tell you, but you already know.
Sample Reading List:
Hypneratomachia Poliphili
Requirements/Grading:
Lording over the dumb kids: 10%
Sucking up: 10%
Not having a social life: 80%
Extra credit for memorizing all the department abbreviations
Prerequisites/Restrictions:
Everything
Reserved Seats:
Seats Reserved for Freshman Men 9
Schedule/Classroom Assignment:
C01: SuMTWThFS 5 p.m. – 4a.m., your carrel
EEB 335
“Natural” Selection
(SA) na, npdf
Professor(s): M. Vick
Description/Objectives:
Here we will understand what it takes to raise a champion that has what it takes to win the first time, everytime. If the bitch won’t fight, then we’ll choke it, body slam it, drown it, or shoot it – effectively killing it with death. Although some critics would call this bloodsport cruel, they have never thrown down some serious cash on the dogs of Bad Newz kennels, and are just flexing.
Sample Reading List:
Clifford, the Big Red Dog
O. Simpson, If I Did It
U.S. Code of Criminal Justice
Prerequisites/Restrictions:
Killer instinct, must buy own rape stand. No snitches.
MAE 821/PHY 821
Warp Drive and Wormholes: Distorting the Universe for Fun and Profit
(ST) na
Maximum enrollment: unlimited
Professor(s): S. Carter
Description/Objectives:
We will examine the basics of space and time and how we can bend them to our will. Topics to be covered include the hypersuperduperfine structure constant, unmeasurable distances, Einstein’s other other explosion equation, and use of mythical elements in construction, as well as safety tips for handling a warp core breach and protecting yourself against evil twins of the multiverse. This course includes both theoretical and practical components; students will build their own negative energy generators as part of the lab component. Prior experience in the field will be helpful, but the course assumes no preparation beyond advanced postdoctorate work in general relativity and spaceship engineering.
Sample Reading List:
Bruce Coville, I Left My Sneakers in Dimension X
Starfleet Technical Manual, 2396 edition
Reading/Writing Assignments: Approx. 3000 pages of reading per week
Requirements/Grading:
Midterm exam on Pluto: 20%
Final exam on Alpha Centauri: 50%
Flight tests: 30%
Other Information:
Not open to aliens from a parallel universe
Schedule/Classroom Assignment:
L01: MTWThF 11:00 a.m. – 12:30 p.m. EST, E-quad XX wing 271
B01: TTh 7:30-10:30 p.m., Jadwin sub-basement -025
PHI 363
How Do You Keep a Scholar Busy?
See and sign up for PSY 363
POL 007/WWS 007
Introductory Assassination
Professor(s): J. Bond
Description/Objectives:
Dating from the earliest days of civilization, cold-blooded murder in the name of the state has been an essential tool of every government. We begin this class by scoping the history of assassins and their trade through the ages, then take a hard look at the impact of modern technology and the current political environment, with the aim of putting firsthand experience to use optimizing the assassin’s arsenal for the world today. Towards the end of the semester we will have a unit on surveillance and tracking, with guest lectures by vising professor D. Webb. For students who wish to pursue advanced studies in the field, there will be an optional minicourse on gambling and fine liquors during reading period.
Sample Reading List:
[CLASSIFIED]
Reading/Writing Assignments: Participation in weekly demonstrations
Requirements/Grading:
Mission reports: 20%
Accuracy: 15%
Stealth: 15%
Game of “Assassins” in lieu of final exam: 50%
Prerequisites/Restrictions:
Medical release form
Schedule/Classroom Assignment:
Don’t find us. We’ll find you. D D: D, D
PSY 363
How Do You Keep a Scholar Busy?
See and sign up for PHI 363
WWS 572
Topics in Political and Medical Ethics
(SA) na, npdf
Professor(s): Sen. William Frist
Description/Objectives:
In this course we will cover all aspects of leading a political career while simultaneously holding a license to practice medicine. Topics to be covered include: how to adopt cats as pets and then dissect them for experiments; how to scam Medicare out of billions using your HMO; how to diagnose patients with neurological conditions via videotape when your specialty is the cardiovascular system; and an explanation of how HIV is spread through sweat and tears; and how to forge your re-application for a medical license claiming you have completed your re-training classroom hours. Special attention will be given to covering up your son’s run-ins with the law and donating millions to your alma mater.
Sample Reading List:
Who needs books when you’re rich?
Reading/Writing Assignments: Two papers, one oral exam. Final will be sabotaging one family’s right to decide the fate of a loved one.
Requirements/Grading:
Charitable donations: 20%
Handshakes: 20%
Invoking the Hand of Death: 60%
Prerequisites/Restrictions:
Lack of ethics a must! Not open to freshmen.
