Student Becomes First to Ever Read Traffic Alert Email, Discovers Warren of Madness

Gabriella Garcia Vargas ’17 recently became the first person to read the entirety of a University “Traffic Alert” email, inadvertently discovering a dark hive of unimaginable, soul-shearing insanity in the process.


An Inside Look at Whig-Clio Hazing

We showed up to Whig Hall with cat food, hot sauce, liquor, gold fish, copies of the Declaration of Independence and gallons of milk. We were kept waiting out in the cold from about ten to twelve — two hours is typical waiting time for pledges.


The Heir of Whitman Returns

Shortly after the most recent case of meningitis was reported on campus, University Spokesperson Martin Mbugua confirmed that the mysterious “Heir of Whitman” had left another message promising further meningococcal illness.


Ivy Cocktail Night Secret Shopping List

A drink is only as good as its ingredients. Accept no substitutes, except in Autumn, when pumpkin spice can in some cases be substituted for a seasonal twist.

Eisgruber’s Presidency as told by his Bing® Search History

bing constitutional law urban dictionary provost 2 Chainz music videos coursera reviews online phD pronunciation of Mbugua University of Phoenix Do I need a PhD? who is kwame appiah who are grace…

Student Regrets Not Spending More Time Studying Alone

A local student reports that if he could change one aspect of his college experience, it would be the lack of time spent studying alone in his room in the dark.


Missing Child Discovered in Dorm

On Wednesday, October 16, a two-year-old child was found in a single in Bloomberg during a routine fire inspection. The toddler was discovered sitting in a hamper-turned-playpen, playing with a sock and a hot pink sports bra.


Princeton Shoots to #1, Harvard on Rapid Decline

Leading experts in college analysis have determined that Princeton is objectively better than Harvard. According to a committee of feuding alumni at US News Magazine, Princeton has achieved a US News & World Report rating of 100 beating out Harvard’s mere 99.

Princeton’s Endowment is Huge

“I always saw ads on the internet that promised to make my applicant pool bigger and stronger, and I never believed them,” said Eisgruber. “But one day, I clicked, and, well—here we are.”


Grade Deflation Committee Finds Students’ Grades Still Too High, Recommends 10% A’s

The faculty committee created by University President Chris Eisgruber to assess the University’s grading policy released its findings well ahead of schedule on Tuesday, recommending that no more than 10 percent of the grades given in any department should be A’s—a reduction from the current figure of 35 percent.

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