Archive for the ‘Princeton’ Category

A Christmas Carrel

Excerpts from “A Christmas Carrel” * * * Dean Malkiel peered into the darkness beyond her bed, and lo! a pale white figure emerged from the bedroom wall!  “I am the Ghost of Princeton Past!” said the Apparition.  The green collar of its polo shirt stood erect, and Aviators...
December 25th, 2010 | Fiction/Poetry, Princeton | Read More

Arch Sing Accidentally Scheduled in Holland Tunnel

A travesty occurred late Thursday night when a Nassoons performance in New York City was accidently scheduled in the Holland Tunnel. The error seems to have occurred when a request to have the Nasoons perform in the in “the largest arch in New York City” was misinterpreted by city officials. The...
December 22nd, 2010 | Princeton | Read More

Top Ten Ways to Take Advantage of President Tilghman’s Office Hours

10. Stage a live stage adaptation of “Where the Wild Things Are” on Shirls’s desk. 9. Glitter-glue flowers on any and all important documents you can get your hands on. 8. Inquire as to how many boxes of Thin Mints she would like this year. 7. Participate in a staring contest. Or that game where...
December 16th, 2010 | Princeton | Read More

Resumé Submitted To Tigermag

Dear Sir or Madam: I am interested in becoming a writer for Tiger Magazine.  As such, I would be most grateful if you would allow me this opportunity to demonstrate my strong, nuanced grasp of humor, which would surely be a valuable asset to the writing staff. Fuck.  Fuck, fuck, fuckity-fuck, fucktacular,...
December 11th, 2010 | Princeton | Read More

Math 215 Exam Leaves Seven Dead, Dozens Failing

“You have 5 days, 11 problems, and 0 chance of success” said Professor Sarnak to his class of roughly fifty quivering freshmen concerning the exam they were about to take. “Some call it the Kobayashi Maru of math – nobody passes, and nobody goes back for seconds.” Little did the poor frosh...
December 5th, 2010 | Princeton | Read More

The Princeton Badass

Jim got up from the table and left his group of visibly less cool friends behind.  He carried his tray out of the dining hall and over to the tray-return counter. Jim tilted his tray down and let his banana peel, spaghetti remnants, and four used napkins all slide off and into the clearly marked “Food”...
November 27th, 2010 | Princeton | Read More

The Secrets of McCosh, Revealed

Everyone knows that any good night starts in a crowded quad and ends in McCosh.  The stuff that happens in between is relatively unimportant- you’re going to pretend like you can’t remember it anyway.  It’s not how you get there that matters, it’s the fact that you can tell...
November 20th, 2010 | Princeton | Read More

Council for the Preservation of A Cappella Declares Crisis

Last week, the heads of several prominent a cappella groups convened for the inaugural meeting of CPAC. Though the groups gloated last month about the deluge of innocents attempting to gain entry into their folds, in the past month, as every month, attendance at arch sings has not been as high as they...
November 10th, 2010 | Princeton | Read More

Pierogi Haven Is Struggling

I’m telling you right now, we are not the problem here. We are not selling crap pierogies. I don’t think I am stepping out of line in saying that ours are the best goddamn pierogies in Central New Jersey. We still use the original recipe that great-grandfather brought across the Atlantic...
November 7th, 2010 | Princeton | Read More

Meet Your Newest Faculty Member: Professor Darth Vader

The university’s recent announcement of the hiring of Darth Vader to a position in the physics department has caused quite a stir on campus. Members of the student organization TFA (Tigers for Alderaan) have protested the university’s decision saying, “This man is responsible for the destruction...
November 1st, 2010 | Princeton | Read More