Princeton’s Secrets Revealed

You may have been on campus for two, three, even four years by this point, but that doesn’t mean you don’t still have questions about this place and the secrets it holds. The Princeton Tiger recently acquired a set of sensitive documents that should put some of these questions to bed for good.



For too long the DAILY PRINCETONIAN has LIED to HARD-WORKING AMERICANS of this University, taking orders directly from the corporate clowns of HARVARD UNIVERSITY and promoting a CRIMSON AGENDA.


Secret Listservs

ListServs tell us everything we need to know about food we won’t eat, events we won’t attend, and clubs we won’t participate in. Here are a few ListServs you probably know nothing about.


Quad Invents Eighth Day, Hundreds Disappear

Charter had Fridays. Cottage had Sundays. And even Tower had something. But one club stood among the rest without a day to its name. Quad. The humiliation was staggering. That’s when Quadrangle Club engineers came up with a novel solution. They would invent a new day. An eighth day. “Quad Day.”


Student Becomes First to Ever Read Traffic Alert Email, Discovers Warren of Madness

Gabriella Garcia Vargas ’17 recently became the first person to read the entirety of a University “Traffic Alert” email, inadvertently discovering a dark hive of unimaginable, soul-shearing insanity in the process.


An Inside Look at Whig-Clio Hazing

We showed up to Whig Hall with cat food, hot sauce, liquor, gold fish, copies of the Declaration of Independence and gallons of milk. We were kept waiting out in the cold from about ten to twelve — two hours is typical waiting time for pledges.


The Heir of Whitman Returns

Shortly after the most recent case of meningitis was reported on campus, University Spokesperson Martin Mbugua confirmed that the mysterious “Heir of Whitman” had left another message promising further meningococcal illness.


Ivy Cocktail Night Secret Shopping List

A drink is only as good as its ingredients. Accept no substitutes, except in Autumn, when pumpkin spice can in some cases be substituted for a seasonal twist.

Eisgruber’s Presidency as told by his Bing® Search History

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Student Regrets Not Spending More Time Studying Alone

A local student reports that if he could change one aspect of his college experience, it would be the lack of time spent studying alone in his room in the dark.

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