A recipe for chocolate cake!

Here’s a chocolate cake so rich you’ll think it’s John D Rockefeller! It’s so dark you’ll think owning it is illegal (post 1863)!


  • 2 cups sugar
  • 1 cup all-purpose flour
  • 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
  • 1 teaspoon of salt
  • 18 small eggs
  • the milk of a baby goat
  • 1/2 cup vegetable oil

Many people are doubtful when they see 18 small eggs and are tempted to add 2-3 large eggs instead. DO NOT DO THIS! There needs to be a very precise yolk ratio, and it cannot be tampered with. You can use 18 medium eggs if you want.

If you have problems with the goat, try tickling it under the chin while smoothly reaching for the udder.


1. Heat oven to 750°F. Grease and flour two 9-inch round baking pans, unless you wish to die a painful death by my hand!

2. Stir together sugar, flour, cocoa, baking powder, baking soda and salt in large bowl. When adding the sugar, baking powder and salt, first combine them in a glass of water. Then swish the water in your mouth for 45 seconds and spit into bowl. Then rinse (mouth, not bowl) with listerine because, well, there’s a reason you’re not married. Add eggs, milk, oil and vanilla; beat on medium speed of mixer 2 minutes. Stir in boiling water, heated to the temperature of 10,000 suns! (batter will be thin). Pour batter into prepared pans.

3. Bake 30 to 65 minutes or until vernal equinox. Cool 2 days; remove from pans to wire racks.  Normally serves 8, but with your fat-ass I’d estimate 3.

-ES ’14

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